


Everything's Everything (one piece)

by sakuatsulifestyle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Soulmates, but very canon compliant otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:07:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28324308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakuatsulifestyle/pseuds/sakuatsulifestyle
Summary: "Breaking offpieces of yourselfto fit into placeswill not help you belong,it will only make you bleed."~"One piece, right?" Iwaizumi pulls a little blue figurine that usually lives on the table by his bedside out of his pocket.That’s low, Iwa-chan.Oikawa takes the toy in his hand and holds it for a minute, and the dead air between them weighs heavier and heavier by the second. Then he throws it to the floor and steps hard on it until it cracks."Thanks to you," he says, "my heart isn't in one piece."
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 17





	Everything's Everything (one piece)

“I need someone in my life  
Who knows me  
More than I know myself 

I am a simple man  
And yet  
A simple person  
Will not know me  
The way I need to be understood.” 

**Five ******

********

Oikawa is five when he meets Iwaizumi.

********

********

The park by his house is full of kids, but only one captures his entire attention.  
"Iwaizumi, let's go to the slide!" One of the other children says.  
The spiky head that has been lingering in the corner of Oikawa's eye turns. Iwaizumi. So that's his name. At five, he doesn't know much, but he knows he wants to befriend this boy. He waits for him to come down the slide, and then saunters over to him.  
"Do you want to play?"  
Iwaizumi stares at him. "Who are you?"  
Oikawa opens his mouth to reply, when a prickle erupts on his arm. He flinches and glares down at his wrist, but the pain only gets worse.  
"Ow!" He sees Iwaizumi holding his own wrist tightly, his face flushed in pain.  
Oikawa starts to cry as the ache turns into a burn, the rest of the world fading to a blur surrounding the eye of the hurricane where he and Iwaizumi stand in pain.  
"Mom!" Iwaizumi is stumbling into the storm and towards the side of the playground, where a woman catches him in her arms.  
Oikawa is swept up in his own mother's embrace not a second later, and she carries him to the bench she had been watching him from.  
"What is it?" She pats his face, searching him for signs of harm.  
Oikawa cannot respond, her attention only making him cry harder. When her eyes land on his fingers clamped around his arm, she pales.  
"No— let me see." She pries his fingers from his arm, and there, in black writing, are the words, 'Who are you?'.  
Oikawa stares down at it, sniffling every few seconds at the lingering pain, though the worst of it has gone. He pokes at it lightly, but it is definitely there, and it isn't rubbing off.  
"It's like yours." He mumbles, his eyes moving to the writing on his mother's arm.  
"Yes." She agrees, hugging him closer as her eyes sweep the park frantically.  
He sees them find their target by the hardened resolve they take as they fix on something behind him, and she places him on the ground before standing herself. On the other side of the park, Iwaizumi and his mother face them.  
Oikawa takes his mother's outstretched hand, and the two women with their sons meet on the grass.  
"Did he—?"  
"Yes. And yours—?"  
"Yes."  
Oikawa doesn't hear the rest of the conversation, his focus back on the boy in front of him. His eyes are red from crying and his bottom lip sticks out in a pout, but his jaw is set like he's determined to be strong. The nervous movement of his eyes gives his hard exterior away, and Oikawa knows he's afraid, so he grins at him. Iwaizumi doesn't smile back, but he visibly relaxes.  
"We'll see you soon." His mother is saying as she pulls him away, and Oikawa takes one look back at Iwaizumi over his shoulder. 

********

The car ride is quiet, and the kitchen even more so without the comforting hum of the road below them. He stands in the middle of the kitchen floor while his mother ducks under the counter, wondering if he's in trouble somehow. He is about to ask, when she speaks.  
"Sit down, Tōru." She requests.  
When he does, she pulls out the chair next to him and takes his hands. "Have you ever heard anyone talk about soulmates?" 

********

The next morning is easier— his arm doesn't hurt so much. It itches a little bit, but he's almost proud of it. His mom told him last night that he was the bravest she'd ever seen about it. Most people don't experience that happy pain until fourteen at the earliest, she'd said, but some have to wait until sixteen, eighteen, or even twenty-three. His mother told him that she knew someone who still hadn't found their soulmate at thirty.  
"You're very special." She had said to him, and when he gave a wide grin back, "don't let that go to your head."

********

Iwaizumi arrives in the afternoon, and the two mothers head to the kitchen. Oikawa isn't sure what to say, but Iwaizumi breaks the silence first.  
"Is your arm okay?"  
"Uh?" Oikawa looks down at his wrist. "Oh, yeah." He smiles. "Barely hurts!"  
Iwaizumi nods, but his expression is doubtful.  
"Is yours okay?" Oikawa asks him.  
"Yeah. It still hurts though." He says.  
Oikawa mirrors Iwaizumi's pout, feeling bad for his soulmate. His mother told him the night before that once you find your soulmate, they become the most important person in the world to you. When they hurt, you hurt, and when they're sad, there isn't anything that can make you feel better until the smile is back on their face. He's determined to put that smile back. Or at least get rid of the frown.  
"Wanna see what games I have?"

********

The sun is nearly setting when they're interrupted, and Oikawa drags his feet to the door as Iwaizumi and his mother are putting their shoes back on.  
Their mothers start talking above their heads, and Oikawa and Iwaizumi face each other when the latter's shoes are tied up. Oikawa glances at his own velcro shoes on the shelf, and decides he needs to ask his mother to buy him lace up ones soon.  
"Bye." Iwaizumi interrupts his thoughts.  
"Bye!" Oikawa grins.  
He gets a small smile back, and rocks onto his heels. In his left hand is the small blue monster figurine Iwaizumi had been so excited to play with. It was Oikawa's favourite too, but...  
"Here." He holds out the toy, and Iwaizumi stares at it for a second before tentatively reaching for it.  
"Really?"  
"Mhm."  
"But then your collection won't have every colour."  
Oikawa ponders this for a minute. "Well, you'll have the last colour, so together we'll complete the collection."  
Iwaizumi frowns at the toy in his hand, but Oikawa sees that he's pleased by the gift.  
"Then shouldn't you give me more colours?" He grumbles. "Because I only complete you with one piece, and you have all the other ones."  
Oikawa laughs. "You only need one! Don't be selfish!"  
"You're the one being selfish. Keeping all of them."  
Oikawa shuts up at that, and Iwaizumi cracks a smile at him. He doesn't bother to try to stop himself from smiling back.  
"My mom says we're going to be friends forever."  
Iwaizumi nods. "Okay."  
The one word answer is nothing special, but Oikawa's smile nearly splits his face in half then.

********

Three years go by, and they play together at home, but they don't see each other outside. It becomes a normal routine, his parents drive him to Iwaizumi's, or vice versa, and they spend the day together, and then they go their separate ways.  
Oikawa's mother covers his mark up with sleeves, or bandages, or concealer, and he doesn't talk about it. When the kids at school bring up soulmates, he sits quietly for once. It's their secret—his and Iwaizumi's—and everything is fine because he doesn't need anybody else, because he's found his soulmate. 

********

It isn't until one morning in the beginning of spring when something goes wrong. Iwaizumi comes with a volleyball, and reluctantly, their mothers allow them to play in the yard instead of in the house.  
"You suck at this Trashykawa."  
"Ah!— That's so mean, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa hits the ball hard back towards him, but misses, and it goes flying into the bushes.  
He watches as Iwaizumi goes to collect it, and notices another boy approaching from the street.  
"Can I play too?"  
"Mmm..." Oikawa brings his hand up to scratch the back of his head, and the other boy's mouth falls open.  
"Woah," he says. "You have your mark already?"  
Oops. They don't cover them at home.  
"Got it!" Iwaizumi pops out of the bushes and hits the ball back, and the boy catches sight of his arm too.  
"Both of you?"  
Oikawa stands silently, not sure what to say. His hand holds his lower arm, and one of his feet scuffs the grass.  
Iwaizumi steps to his side and regards the other boy. "Who are you?"  
The boy frowns awkwardly at first, but then his eyes widen and move back to Oikawa's tattoo.  
"Um... just—"  
The door to Oikawa's house flies open, and all three boys turn.  
"Time to come inside!" His mother rushes out, Iwaizumi's mother behind her.  
They are pulled into the house and sent upstairs to Oikawa's room, the door closing them firmly in.  
It's silent, and Oikawa isn't sure what to say to break that, or the awkward tension he thinks is in the air. He flops down into his rolling desk chair and gazes out the window. Until now, no one had ever seen his mark before. He knows he's weird, people don't get theirs so young, usually, but he had never really considered the fact that people would act differently around him because of it.  
"Do you think that boy knew we were soulmates?" Oikawa asks. He doesn't want to get in trouble, and his mom told him not to tell anyone about the mark.  
"Iwa-chan?"  
Iwaizumi doesn't reply, and when Oikawa turns, the other boy is fast asleep on top of his duvet. He watches him for a moment, and then he makes his way down the stairs. Hushed voices from the kitchen draw him in, and he freezes when he hears Iwaizumi's mother speak.  
"This isn't safe for them." She says.  
"No—you're right. I know." His own mother agrees.  
There's a stretch of silence in the kitchen, and Oikawa settles down on the bottom step and waits.  
"It's unusual to find your soulmate so young." His mother eventually speaks again. "And to be two boys..."  
"Yes. Maybe... maybe some time apart would be best." Iwaizumi's mother says.  
"Until they've grown a bit." His own mother adds. "They should find each other normally, when they're more ready."  
Oikawa is only eight, but he knows the serious tone in his mother's voice.  
He goes quietly back up the stairs to his room, and sits against the wall, watching the bed where Iwaizumi still sleeps. He's young, but he isn't stupid, and he knows something is about to change.

********

The next week, Iwaizumi doesn't answer his door. Oikawa stands on the front step until he notices the car in the driveway. It isn't Iwaizumi's. Unless they have a new car? He eventually turns to go back down the driveway, when a man walks up it.  
"Can I help you?"  
Oikawa tilts his head. "Um, sorry, where are the people who live here?"  
The man frowns. "I live here." He says, and Oikawa nearly laughs. That can't be true.  
"The family that was here before moved out a few days ago."  
Oikawa blinks. "Um..."  
"Sorry, kid." The man pulls out his keys, and Oikawa stares as he puts them into the lock. Sure enough, the front door opens. It closes on his face a second later.  
Moved out? He feels a piece of something break off inside his chest. 

********

********

********

**Twelve ******

********

********

********

Iwaizumi is twelve when he sees Oikawa again. 

********

********

********

********

********

********

His first day at Kitagawa Daiichi, and the first thing he sees in the morning assembly is a swoop of ever so familiar brown hair.  
Maybe it isn't him, he thinks, but he knows it is. You know things like that when it comes to your soulmate. The laugh that he can hear from halfway across the room further confirms it, and then Oikawa turns around.  
He's grown since they were eight, to no one's surprise. They've been averaging about the same height since forever now, and Oikawa hasn't fallen behind. Iwaizumi is comforted that even though they haven't spoken in years, they've still been in sync on one front.  
He watches Oikawa apprehensively. His smile is big, but Iwaizumi can see that it's nervous. He doesn't really look happy. Iwaizumi feels nervous too, but he's sure it doesn't have to do with a new school.  
Oikawa is mingling still, talking to a few people, flitting from group to group, his sleeve pulled down over his forearm. Iwaizumi wonders how they'll keep that up once summer comes.  
Oikawa is close to him now. Closer than they've been in four years. Closer than they should be. He remembers his mother's words, "you see that boy, you turn around and leave."  
He can't exactly leave the school.  
He stares in a panic until Oikawa's eyes flick to his, and Iwaizumi pales as the other boy's light up in recognition.  
Oikawa bounds towards him, smiling as widely as ever. "Iwa-chan!"  
"Don't call me that." Iwaizumi ducks a hug.  
Oikawa looks briefly confused, but if he is put off by Iwaizumi's coldness, he doesn't show it.  
"You moved back!"  
"Mm." Iwaizumi agrees quietly.  
"When?"  
"Just a few months ago."  
"A few months?" Oikawa sounds... hurt.  
Iwaizumi nods, feeling a strange need to mend the thing that made Oikawa's voice break.  
"I didn't know how to get in touch. Sorry I didn't tell you I was back."  
Oikawa pouts slightly, but he sounds happy again when he speaks.  
"Well, you're here now, Iwa-chan," he says, and Iwaizumi is annoyed again. Had he not listened to anything he'd said?  
He opens his mouth to reply when the assembly begins, and the two of them sit quickly side by side. Oikawa is close to him—too close—and Iwaizumi is painfully aware of this fact throughout the entire assembly, failing to pay attention to anything else. 

********

********

********

Ignoring Oikawa during class proved harder than he'd expected it to be, with the other switching seats as often as he could to be next to Iwaizumi, who'd purposefully positioned himself as far away across the classroom as possible.  
Iwaizumi sighs in relief as he leaves the school, and he books it home before he can even think about seeing whether or not Oikawa is going to try to follow him.  
He pushes his way through his front door and removes his shoes, then places his backpack at the bottom of the stairs.  
"Mom?" Iwaizumi makes his way to the entrance to the kitchen.  
"Hey?" His mother looks up from her laptop. "What is it?"  
"Did... do you still keep in contact with Oikawa-san's parents?"  
His mother freezes momentarily but recovers a second later. "I don't, why?"  
Iwaizumi kicks his foot against the wall lightly. "It's just..." Now would be the time... "No reason."  
His mother looks at him. "Okay..." She looks like she wants to say more, but thinks better of it.  
Iwaizumi leaves the kitchen.  
Standing alone in the hallway, he lets himself think about the past. He hasn't thought about Oikawa—not really—in a long time. He supposes he always believed deep down that they would end up together— what other way is there, after all? But things had become complicated, and the more complicated things get, the better it is to simply not think about it.  
It isn't working this time.  
He knows their parents kept them separate for a reason. He knows this thing between him and Oikawa is the reason they moved. And well... what if they have to leave again? What if he has to switch schools, all because of stupid Oikawa? Not that he's worried about not being able to see him, but moving the first time (and moving back) were terribly annoying experiences. And having to switch schools, make new friends again... no, that won't do. He can keep this a secret. He can handle it, can't he? So what if they're soulmates? It doesn't have to be a big deal. He's sure they can act normal at school, as long as Oikawa—  
Shit.  
Oikawa. He'd told him mom everything as long as Iwaizumi had known him. What if he tells his parents about this? They'll definitely contact his own, and then—and then what? Oikawa moves away? Or switches schools? That wouldn't really be his problem... but he doesn't want that.  
Why doesn't he want that?  
Because, he thinks. Because, because. Because... if Oikawa's parents tell his parents that they go to the same school, his mom will know that he lied to her! Right. So it is his problem. Okay, now what?  
"Uh, mom?" Iwaizumi heads down the front hall and starts to pull on his shoes. "Can I go out for a bit?"  
"Out?"  
"Yeah I... I don't feel very well."  
"Oh, do you need some medicine? I can get you a cold towel for your head, or some hot water with honey."  
"No I—I think some fresh air might help. Can I go for a walk?"  
His mother pops her head through the doorway to the kitchen. "I..." She takes in his laced up shoes and zipped up jacket. "Okay. Go, yes, just be back before it gets dark please!"  
"Okay, bye!" He's out the door before he can hear whether she has answered or not.  
Now... he just has to remember how to get to Oikawa's house.

********

********

********

The streets all look the same as he remembers... but the streets all look the same. He doesn't know which street Oikawa lives on, so he tries to find the house by memory alone. There's a bush on the lawn, he remembers, but it's not this one—there aren't flowers on Oikawa's.  
Unless they planted flowers sometime in the last four years, which is completely plausible. He curses his eight year old brain for not having been attentive enough to memorize the street name and house number.  
After nearly a half hour of aimless wandering through what he thinks is Oikawa's neighbourhood, he sees it. That has to be it, the bush is the same, so is the red-brown door that sits slightly to the right of the front of the house. The lights are on, but Iwaizumi can't hear any voices, and he doesn't see anyone moving around inside. Oikawa's room was at the back of the house, right? He wanders around the lawn and into the backyard, hoping that none of the neighbours will become suspicious of him. In the top left window, a light is on. Is this still Oikawa's room? He can't make out anything identifying on the walls; hadn't there used to be a poster on the white closet door he's seeing now?  
Something flies past the window and hits the opposite wall. Iwaizumi blinks, and when the object bounces back, he makes it out. A volleyball. Definitely Oikawa's room.  
"Psst!" He bends down and picks up a tiny stone, and then throws it at the window. "Shittykawa!"  
Another stone hits the glass, but still nothing happens behind the window. Iwaizumi throws his third pebble up as the glass pane slides open and Oikawa's head arcs out of the space, his forehead making the perfect target for the incoming projectile.  
"Ow!" The boy in the window reels back, and his over-ear headphones fall half off his head.  
He appears back in the window a second later, his brown hair flopping half into his eyes, which are narrowed at Iwaizumi who stands in shock on the lawn.  
"I—I'm sorry." He mutters in shame.  
"You barely talk to me all day, and now you come hit me in the face with a rock?" Oikawa sulks, but a smile threatens the edge of his mouth, so Iwaizumi hopes that if anything, his soulmate is at least a little bit happy to see him.  
"I'm sorry." He repeats. "That wasn't my intention."  
Oikawa laughs then, a rich, childlike sound, and it takes nearly everything in Iwaizumi to keep a straight face.  
"I came here to ask you something, actually." He says. He needs to get back to the point as soon as possible.  
"Oh?" Oikawa rests his elbows on the windowsill, and puts his chin in his palms. "What's that?"  
"Did you tell your parents you saw me at school?"  
Oikawa looks surprised by the question, then methodical. "No. They haven't got home yet. Why?"  
Iwaizumi sighs in relief. "That's good. I don't think we should tell them, because—"  
"I don't think we should either."  
Iwaizumi blinks. "Not even your mom?"  
"Nope."  
Oh. That wasn't what Iwaizumi had been expecting, but he's relieved to hear it. He wonders if Oikawa went through the same process as he did, but he doesn't ask, and Oikawa doesn't explain.  
He looks back up to the window to see Oikawa watching him contemplatively, and tilts his head in question.  
"Did you ever think about finding me after?" The other boy clarifies Iwaizumi's silent question.  
Iwaizumi hesitates.  
Did I ever think about finding you?  
He doesn't want to tell Oikawa he spends hours staring at his mark, and laying awake at night when he should be sleeping, tracing the familiar pattern of the letters he knows by heart. That he thinks of no one else, and he missed his best friend desperately, and the horror at seeing him at his new school was only outdone by the completely elated swoop of his heart at the sight of him again. He can't tell him how he feels, because he can't... he can't... he doesn't exactly know why he can't, but he can't.  
The world doesn't make it easy for regular soulmates either, people who find each other at appropriate times in their lives— people who don't have to worry about it until it's normal, until they're grown up, at least a little bit. So how are the two of them supposed to figure it out already? The universe definitely isn't dealing him its easiest hand, but he supposes he isn't asking for it either, running off to meet Oikawa in secret. If his mother knew he was here...  
So almost the entire world has it out for them. He can handle it. Even if he has to hide, and beg, and sneak, and bargain, because life is a game, it always has been, but he's sure now that he doesn't want to play anymore unless he gets to play it with Oikawa.  
"I'm not leaving again." 

********

********

********

********

********

********

********

********

********

**Thirteen**

************ ** **

********

************ ** **

Oikawa is thirteen when he stops hiding his mark. 

************ ** **

********

************ ** **

************ ** **

********

************ ** **

"Dumbass," Iwaizumi chides him. "You want to alert everyone in the school that you've found your soulmate?"  
Oikawa clicks his tongue. "It's not as though I'm going to tell them who it is."  
"They're gonna know."  
"How would they know, Iwa-chan?"  
Iwaizumi narrows his eyes, but his lack of response makes Oikawa feel like the winner of the argument. He leans back into his chair and opens the textbook in front of him, but his eyes hover just above the pages, watching his study partner. Study partner, volleyball partner... life partner, whatever it is they're doing, it's perfect, because he's doing it with Iwaizumi. He just wishes they didn't have to be so secretive about it—  
"You know you won't learn anything unless you actually read." Iwaizumi says, his eyes still down on his work.  
Oikawa's mouth falls open. "How'd you...?"  
"I know you."  
"Hm." He says, and he's a little bit pleased with that answer. "That's cute, Iwa-chan." He adds, waiting to see Iwaizumi's face go pink.  
He huffs, but a soft blush covers his cheeks, and his eyes focus too hard on a singular spot on his page.  
"You know," Oikawa prods, "you won't learn anything if you only read the same one word."  
Iwaizumi grumbles something unintelligible, and Oikawa focuses on the textbook in front of him. 

************ ** **

********

************ ** **

"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa breathes, passing the ball back over his head.  
It's a fluid motion for them now, the two of them work like a well oiled machine. Not that it would be any other way. The amount of time they've known each other—he has complete trust in Iwaizumi, and though the other won't admit it out loud, Oikawa knows he feels the same way. He's not always the best player on the court, but Oikawa knows how to make him the best version of himself in play. He always has.  
The ball hits the floor on the other side of the net, and Oikawa nods appreciatively.  
"Good job." He says with a smile.  
Iwaizumi lifts an eyebrow at him. "Is something up?"  
Oikawa hadn't thought he had been acting strange, but he supposes Iwaizumi has always been quick to catch on to his thoughts and moods.  
"Ah," His hand is on his head, and he sees Iwaizumi's eyes move quickly to his mark, which is on full display. He knows the other is still uncomfortable about it, his own covered by a compression sleeve under the excuse of an old elbow strain.  
"Do you know where you're going for highschool?" Oikawa asks, and Iwaizumi looks surprised by the question.  
"I think Aoba Johsai." He says.  
Oikawa hums and nods, turning away. He bounces the ball against the floor. Aoba Johsai, huh? Definitely the practical choice— it’s nearby, and it's a good school. Their volleyball team isn't anything special, but it's not bad.  
"What about you?" Iwaizumi interrupts his thoughts.  
Oikawa turns around. "I'm thinking of going there too."  
Iwaizumi looks at him doubtfully. "You are?"  
"Uh huh." He tosses the ball into the air for himself a few times, until Iwaizumi reaches a hand out to catch it.  
"Since when do you want to go to Seijoh?"  
Oikawa reaches for the ball back, but Iwaizumi pulls it farther away.  
"Iwa-chan, don't be mean. I'm not done practicing."  
"You didn't answer my question..."  
Oikawa pouts. "Can we just talk about it another time? Let's play!"  
Iwaizumi frowns at him, but he nods and follows Oikawa back onto the court. 

************ ** **

********

************ ** **

"That's enough."  
The gym is empty save the two of them when Iwaizumi calls for the end of their extra practice. Oikawa frowns, wanting to continue working, but he knows Iwaizumi can tell that he's tired.  
"Just—"  
"One more, fine. Not like you didn’t say that ten minutes ago."  
His next serve is a little bit less accurate, and the ball flies past Iwaizumi. Oikawa lets out a yawn as he watches him go collect it.  
“Sorry.”  
“Not bad still for your millionth serve of the day.” Iwaizumi grumbles.  
“Not good enough yet!”  
“You’re getting really good.” Iwaizumi counters quietly.  
Oikawa looks at him oddly. As good as he knows Iwaizumi is at reading him, it goes both ways. He isn’t sure what, but he knows that something is bothering his soulmate, and he has a nagging feeling that tells him he might not want to know what it is.  
“You’re right, enough practice for today.” Oikawa begins to take down and put away the equipment. “Let’s both go home and eat.”  
Iwaizumi lifts an eyebrow at him, seeming surprised again by his actions. Oikawa hopes things will be back to normal tomorrow. He doesn’t like this strange back and forth dance they’re doing around each other, without telling the other what they’re really thinking.  
If something is bothering Iwaizumi, he wants to know what. He prides himself on the usually quite open line of communication between the two of them, and he isn’t quite sure what’s interrupting it today. 

************ ** **

********

************ ** **

Their walk home is dark and quiet, and the night air is a little bit brisk. Oikawa hugs his arms over his chest and grimaces.  
“Cold?” Iwaizumi glances over at him.  
“Mhm.” Oikawa nods, and he blushes as he sees his friend pull a hoodie out of his backpack.  
“Iwa-chan, you didn’t have to!” He grins.  
Iwaizumi’s eyebrows move upwards. “I didn’t.” He says, shrugging the sweater on.  
Oikawa’s mouth falls open. “Jerk!” He moves to hit Iwaizumi, who dances out of his way.  
“You saw me shivering, and you put another sweater on?”  
“Not my fault you didn’t come prepared!”  
Iwaizumi runs ahead, Oikawa following behind.  
“Yeah, you better run!” He shouts after him.  
They don’t pause until they’ve arrived at the intersection where they usually split up. Both of them are panting, and Oikawa bends over, his hands on his knees.  
“You’re not shivering anymore.” Iwaizumi notes. “So I did help you.”  
Oikawa glares at the ground, but a smile threatens the corner of his lips. “Hmph.”  
He blinks when a piece of soft fabric hits him over the face, and looks up to see that Iwaizumi has taken his second sweater off.  
He opens his mouth with a grin, but Iwaizumi cuts him off.  
“Shut up. Don’t freeze. See you tomorrow, Shittykawa.” And then he walks off in the direction of his house.  
Oikawa watches Iwaizumi disappear down the dark road, and then turns, holding the sweater to his chest for a moment before he puts his backpack on the floor and pulls the hoodie over his head. He crosses his arms as he walks, breathing in the familiar scent that now envelops him, and he doesn’t fight the cheek splitting smile that grows on his face.  
When he gets home, he eats, and then showers, and then he puts the sweater back on before falling into his bed.  
Hmmmm.  
If he closes his eyes, it makes his typical nightly routine that much easier. He can pretend they’re together; playing volleyball somewhere. He can see the next fifteen years flash before his eyes. Him and Iwaizumi, playing volleyball. Him winning the Olympics, and Iwaizumi— this is new to the bedtime fantasy, he realizes— swooping him up in an embrace. Their wedding. Volleyball. Maybe a daughter, Oikawa thinks. Volleyball. They’d probably have two dogs— both medium sized, and two different breeds. Definitely a Hokkaido, and a terrier or something… but that can be decided later. And of course, their kids would play volleyball. Oikawa and Iwaizumi could coach them! Though he wonders whether or not they would like that— the thought of his own parents trying to coach him is severely disconcerting.  
I am basically a pro though, Oikawa decides. Who wouldn’t want me coaching them?  
He smiles faintly as his eyes start to fall closed. He hasn’t quite felt the sort of feelings he’s feeling for Iwaizumi before. Of course he had always loved him— they’re best friends— but lately, it’s been different. Good different. Oikawa wonders if anything has changed for Iwaizumi as well. 

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**Fourteen ******

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Iwaizumi is fourteen when the new kid joins the volleyball team. 

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He's been watching Oikawa constantly, and Iwaizumi swears he can see the gears turning behind his eyes, analyzing and picking up the movements his senior performs nearly flawlessly.  
He subs in for Oikawa in one of their practice games, and he isn't bad. Iwaizumi is interested to see what they might make of him. Of course, he's also painfully aware of Oikawa suffering silently on the sidelines, and makes a mental note to check in with him either tonight after practice or tomorrow before the next one.  
"Kageyama!" He calls once they’ve finished the game. "Come set for me."  
The younger boy rushes over, and Iwaizumi sees Oikawa turn to watch them with a frown.  
He's good, Iwaizumi notes as they practice 2 on 2, but he doesn't have Oikawa's strength or skill yet. After each try though, Kageyama gets better, but his sets are a bit too fast. Iwaizumi is having trouble hitting many of them.  
"You need to slow down." He says.  
Kageyama nods. "Got it." But he barely does. He's focused on the side of the court across from them, rather than his own teammate, and Iwaizumi wonders why Kageyama is so reluctant to trust him to find his own way past their opponents and score the point for their team. Being faster than the blockers on the other side doesn't mean anything if Iwaizumi can't even get to the ball on time.  
“Why are you setting so fast?” Iwaizumi frowns.  
Kageyama stares. “I just want to be good like Oikawa-san.”  
Iwaizumi sighs. “Let’s stop two on two for now— come set for me alone.”  
He isn't as bad when there are no opponents on the other side. In fact, when Iwaizumi has him practice direct sets to him, they’re near perfect, almost as good as Oikawa's.  
"Tomorrow, practice with some other people like we did just now. That's what you need to be doing in the games."  
Kageyama gives him a nod and heads towards a few of the other players who are starting to clean up, and Iwaizumi turns to where Oikawa is bouncing a ball against the floor intently rather than practicing his serves.  
"Tired?" He knows he isn't.  
"Uh." Oikawa grunts, and Iwaizumi is sure he hasn't even processed the question.  
"I'm going to get changed. You should wrap up soon."  
"Yeah." Oikawa nods, but his focus is still elsewhere.  
Iwaizumi sighs. He'll wait in the changerooms and let Oikawa get over whatever he's thinking about. 

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Everyone has left, and Iwaizumi is still waiting on the bench in the locker room for Oikawa, but he’s beginning to become impatient.  
Where is that idiot?  
He's definitely still in the gym, Iwaizumi thinks with a huff. He never listens.  
He finds his way back and peeks through the door, and sure enough, Oikawa is inside. His serves are hitting the opposite end of the court violently, with more force and less accuracy than they typically do.  
Should I tell him to stop? Iwaizumi wonders. He's overthinking, it's easy to tell, but what exactly is he thinking about? He doesn't particularly want to go interrupt Oikawa when he's deep in concentration, or in one of his moods, and judging by his face, Iwaizumi thinks it might be both at the moment. He stays standing by the door.  
"Oikawa-san," Iwaizumi watches with wide eyes as Kageyama approaches Oikawa, "can you teach me how to serve like you do?"  
Iwaizumi doesn’t hear whatever is said next, but when Oikawa straightens and pulls his hand back, the look in his eyes is something he’s never seen before. He's between them in a second, and he catches Oikawa's wrist before his hand can make contact with Kageyama's face.  
The three of them stand frozen.  
"Sorry, Kageyama. We're done, so please go home." Iwaizumi says curtly.  
"O—okay." Kageyama turns and runs from the gym.  
His footsteps are gone in a few seconds, and only then does Iwaizumi release Oikawa's arm.  
"You were supposed to calm down. That's why you got switched out earlier."  
Oikawa is staring at the ground, and he doesn't respond.  
“Oikawa.”  
He gets no response again, but he can see Oikawa’s chest moving quickly, and his eyes are wide and unfocused.  
“Oikawa!” He tries louder.  
His soulmate’s eyes flick up, and Iwaizumi is relieved to see them coming back to the present.  
“Are you okay?”  
Oikawa nods. “Yeah, sorry.” He simply says.  
Iwaizumi takes the space his silence provides to continue. "You act like a child around him."  
"I am a child Iwa-chan."  
"You're older than him. You should be helping him. He wants to learn from you."  
"He's better than me anyways. He doesn't need me to teach him anything."  
Huh. So that's what this is about.  
"Why are you so worried about one person becoming better than you?"  
"Because!" Oikawa cries. "I have to be the best, otherwise how am I going to win and go to nationals—"  
"Ugh, shut up!" Iwaizumi pushes him to the ground. "It doesn't matter what team you're on, when you're playing, there's no I! You know the best team is the one with the best six players, dumbass! There’s no room for selfishness."  
They're face to face, and Iwaizumi stares him down until Oikawa's eyes move to the side.  
"You're right."  
"I'm... right?" He knows he is, but he hadn't expected to hear it from Oikawa. "Are you okay? Did I push you too hard? Sorry—"  
"Mmm, I'm fine, Iwa-chan. I feel better than fine, suddenly."  
"Well... good. You're an amazing setter."  
"Wow!" Oikawa smiles. "A compliment from you is a once in a blue moon thing, I better enjoy it for a while."  
"It wasn't a compliment. It was a fact." Iwaizumi huffs in annoyance.  
Oikawa frowns. "Okay. Well, I know. What's it got to do with anything?"  
Iwaizumi sighs. It’s been months since their conversation about high school. Maybe now is the time to bring it up.  
"A lot of schools have their eye on you."  
Oikawa shrugs. "Why wouldn't they?"  
This might be harder than he thought.  
He decides to be blunt. "You should go somewhere with a strong team. Somewhere like—”  
“Don’t.”  
Iwaizumi blinks. “Why?”  
“Why?” Oikawa glances at him. “Because I said so.”  
“That’s not really a good enough reason for me. I still think you should go somewhere like Shiratorizawa."  
Oikawa stares at him. "No."  
"What— what do you mean no?" Iwaizumi stutters.  
"I mean, no. I'm not going to Shiratorizawa."  
"Why not?" Iwaizumi asks. "That's the kind of place you should be to nurture your talents. It doesn't make any sense for you to go to Aoba Johsai, so why would you—?"  
"Because you're going there!" Oikawa turns away and presses the ball between his palms in frustration. "You're going to play there, and I don't want to play with anybody else."  
Iwaizumi has already opened his mouth to argue, but then he remembers the day two years ago when he stood under Oikawa's window, and promised not to leave again. How can he truly tell Oikawa that he wants them to split up again?  
"Me neither." He mumbles.  
"What?" Oikawa turns back around.  
"I don't want to play with anybody else either."  
Oikawa watches him, and he looks a little bit satisfied, the smug bastard.  
"So we'll both go to Seijoh. We can play together for three more years." He says.  
Iwaizumi wants to argue, but he isn't the boss of Oikawa. They both get to make their own decisions, he just hopes this one won't hurt him in the long run.  
It's just... three years when you're a teenager is nothing compared to the rest of your life. What does Oikawa expect them to do after highschool? Iwaizumi isn't like him, he doesn't plan on playing volleyball forever; he isn't good enough to go to world championships, or the Olympics. And what are the odds that the two of them will even go to the same university? Oikawa should be thinking about his future, surrounding himself with people that will push him to be better than he is each and every day, and Iwaizumi isn't sure that Aoba Johsai is the place for that. He isn’t sure that he is the person to help Oikawa do that.  
He doesn't speak any of this aloud— he knows pushing back will only make Oikawa stand his ground more strongly.  
"Okay."  
Oikawa smiles at him. "Besides, how are we going to crush Shiratorizawa if I'm on their team?"  
Iwaizumi lets himself smile too then. He still believes in what he said, but he can't help the happy feeling in his chest at the thought of them spending the remainder of their school years together.  
But I don't want to hold you back.  
It nags in the back of his mind.  
He won't tell Oikawa this either— knows he doesn't want to hear it. 

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“Iwa-chan?”  
It’s cold as they make their way home together one night after practice a few weeks later, and Iwaizumi turns at the sound of Oikawa’s voice— it’s more serious than he’s used to.  
“Hm?”  
“You remember when you asked why I was worried about Kageyama getting better than me?”  
“Yeah. You say that like it wasn’t last week.”  
“Mmm. Well, there was one other reason. One I didn’t say before.”  
“Okay… why are you being so cryptic, Crappykawa?”  
Iwaizumi stares at his soulmate in confusion, until he realizes that the look on Oikawa’s face is one of nervous apprehension. He’s worried.  
“Sorry.” Iwaizumi softens. “What is it?”  
Oikawa swallows audibly from beside him.  
“It’s just… I don’t want you to replace me.”  
Iwaizumi purses his lips. “As setter? On the team?”  
“The team…” Oikawa agrees, “and you.”  
“Me?” Iwaizumi scratches his head. “I couldn’t replace you even if I wanted to.”  
Oikawa looks up at him. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? Jeez, you’re always so aggressive, Iwa-chan—”  
“And you’re a brat.”  
Oikawa frowns.  
“Look,” Iwaizumi sighs, “what I’m trying to say is, you’re a brat, but I love you. The marks on our arms aren’t there for nothing. The person you’re tied to is destined to be in your life forever, because you need them. We need each other, you know? I… need you.”  
He falters when he realizes that Oikawa isn’t walking beside him anymore. Iwaizumi turns back around, and Oikawa is standing a few feet behind him, hands by his sides, and a furious blush on his cheeks.  
“What—?” Iwaizumi starts.  
“You love me?” Oikawa interrupts.  
“H—huh?”  
“You said you love me.”  
“Did not!”  
“Did too!” Oikawa all but jumps towards him. “You said, ‘you’re a brat, Crappykawa, but I love you’.” Oikawa puts on a deep voice in what Iwaizumi figures is a horrible impersonation of himself.  
“I didn’t say that.”  
“Yes, you did.” Oikawa practically sings.  
Iwaizumi sighs, but he lets the matter drop. He really… he doesn’t even want to think about the meaning of what he may or may not have told Oikawa.  
Had he really said that? And so easily and casually— he had thought nothing of it. It had come naturally to his tongue, and really, it made sense that it had, if he thought about it. Which he would try very, very hard not to do.  
How embarrassing.  
He had always assumed Oikawa would be the one to say it first.  
“For what it’s worth,” Oikawa interrupts his thoughts, “I love you too. Even though you’re annoying and mean.”  
Iwaizumi huffs, but he can’t ignore the fluttering in his chest and the warmth on his cheeks at Oikawa’s words.  
He shoves him lightly with his shoulder and they continue their walk in the direction of home, the sun dropping in the sky behind them. 

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**Fifteen ******

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Oikawa is fifteen when he wins best setter in the prefecture. 

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He can see Iwaizumi watching him, and of course the other has to make a comment about his smile. He swears Iwaizumi will be the reason he becomes self conscious of his own face.  
Oikawa frowns, clutching the award in his hands.  
They walk home together, and though Iwaizumi suggests he put the award in his backpack, Oikawa refuses to let it out of his hands until they’re in his room.  
He hangs it on the wall by his bed, then steps back, and they stare at it together.  
It looks good there, and Oikawa hopes it’s the first of many. Maybe a national medal or trophy would look nice beside it. Then an Olympic one.  
“You don’t smile as much when we’re alone.”  
Oikawa turns his head to Iwaizumi, who is watching him again. “Wha— what? Yes I do, because I like being with you!”  
Iwaizumi huffs. “I know. You don’t have to be smiling every second for me to know that. That’s how I know which ones are real.”  
“Oh…”  
Iwaizumi sits in Oikawa’s rolling desk chair, and slouches down into it, using his feet to spin slightly from side to side. Oikawa thinks about how they used to have to sneak around, lying to their moms about who they were seeing. Now that he thinks about it, he’s confident their mothers knew they were back at the same school the entire time. Was it even an accident? Whatever the case, he’s just glad to have Iwaizumi back in his life. Everything else comes easier thanks to that.  
He falls back onto his bed and watches the ceiling. Maybe it’s just the day, but it does feel like everything is coming together now. They just have to beat Shiratorizawa, but he thinks they can do it. One of these days has to be the one, doesn’t it? Isn’t that how probability works? Not that he likes to place his chances of winning on luck over hard work, but a little of each wouldn’t be so bad.  
He’s lost in thought, and doesn’t notice the round white object in the air until it lands on his face.  
“Ow!” He sits up and grabs at the volleyball on his bed. “What the hell?”  
“Sorry.” Iwaizumi is laughing, and he doesn’t sound very sorry. “I warned you.”  
“Well, I didn’t hear you.” Oikawa frowns.  
“Sounds like a you problem. What were you thinking about?”  
Oikawa hums. “Just… nationals, and stuff. Volleyball.”  
Iwaizumi hums in return. “Good stuff?”  
“Yeah, I guess so.”  
Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean you guess so? It’s either good or it’s bad.”  
Oikawa shrugs, staring at the ceiling again. “I was just thinking it would be nice to finally win.”  
He turns his head when he receives no answer from Iwaizumi, to find the other staring contemplatively out the window.  
Iwaizumi eventually turns to him. “You’ll win one day.”  
Oikawa wants to ask why he said ‘you’ rather than ‘we’, but he doesn’t want to revisit their conversation from last year.  
I thought there was no ‘I’ in volleyball. The best team wins. That was what you said.  
He doesn’t want to argue with Iwaizumi right now.  
“Mm.” He says instead. “One day.” 

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After school the following day, Oikawa finds Iwaizumi at his desk as he’s putting his books away. It’s their lunch break, but he isn’t hungry yet.  
“Do you want to go play?”  
“No.” Iwaizumi shakes his head as he stands. “We’re going to study for our entrance exams.”  
“Whaaaa…” Oikawa pouts. “I’m sure we’ll get in, Iwa-chan. We need to play volleyball too, otherwise we’ll end up stiff and boring.”  
Iwaizumi frowns at him. “I’m sure I’ll get in, Loserkawa, but I haven’t seen you studying since last month. I’m starting to seriously worry about your chances of getting in anywhere.”  
Oikawa crosses his arms. Iwaizumi is right, so he can’t exactly argue. It’s just, studying is the last thing he wants to spend his free time on. And volleyball is the first. So one might imagine what he usually decides to do with his time out of class.  
He knows he isn’t stupid, but he also knows that he has to admit he probably hasn’t done the necessary studying yet. What a pain…  
“What are you gonna do if I get in and you don’t, huh?” Iwaizumi asks.  
“I—” Oikawa narrows his eyes. He hadn’t thought of that. “Of course I’ll get in.” But he’s a little bit worried now.  
Him and Iwaizumi at different schools? No, that wouldn’t do. And if studying was what he had to do to make sure that they could be on the same team for the next three years, then fine, that’s what he would do.  
He knows better than most that hard work and sacrifices pay off, so maybe he would have to not play volleyball right now in order to play more volleyball later. 

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“This is the most boring thing I’ve ever done.” Oikawa sinks deeper into the library chair.  
Iwaizumi glares at him, as though willing him to shut up as quickly as possible.  
“You’ll be grateful once the exams are over.”  
“But—”  
“No buts!” Iwaizumi snaps. “Now translate sentence three.”  
“Ughhhhhhh.” Oikawa groans.  
He hastens to read the sentence upon seeing the look Iwaizumi is giving him.  
“Okay, this sentence says; I… want… to play volleyball instead of studying—”  
“OIKAWA!”  
The library staff shushes them loudly, and Iwaizumi snaps his mouth shut after a quick apology.  
“Crappykawa, if you don’t start taking this seriously, I’m going to tell coach and our teachers to suspend you from practice for the rest of the year.”  
“Iwa-chan, you can’t be serious…”  
Iwaizumi’s expression says contrary.  
“Okay.” Oikawa picks up his book.  
Just a few hours. 

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Studying had gone by faster than he’d expected, and Oikawa was relieved to get to practice with no word to their coach from Iwaizumi about his lack of discipline.  
He’s happy to be training— always happier in the gym— but watching Kageyama get better everyday is one sure way to dampen his mood, and it’s at least as annoying as it is impressive.  
Iwaizumi finds his way to Oikawa’s side mid practice. “You could help him, you know. We’re all on the same team here.”  
“Not for long.”  
Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “Whatever, Crappykawa. I’m going to keep helping him, but I’m not as effective of a teacher as you would be…”  
I know you’re trying to compliment me into giving you your way, Iwa-chan.  
The worst part is, it’s working. But it still isn’t enough to convince Oikawa to actually go help that little… jerk.  
Ugh. I’m a bad person. I should focus on myself.  
He aims a serve, and hits it so far out he’s surprised he didn’t nail anyone in the face. Another serve misses, then another, and he suddenly doesn’t remember how to hit inside the court.  
Embarrassing. I can’t do anything right with that brat around. They’re probably all looking at me.  
He casts a glance around the gym, but his teammates are all working on their own things. Well, almost all of them. Only Iwaizumi is watching him. He huffs and looks away, realizing he’d better sort himself out if he wants to avoid a lecture— and those sneaky sideways glances at him that Iwaizumi probably thinks he doesn’t notice.  
Their practice time is up in what feels like seconds, and the team starts to clean up. Oikawa makes his way to the benches.  
“Is it okay if I stay a few extra minutes?”  
Coach Irihata purses his lips, but he agrees.  
“Not too late.” He cautions.  
“Yep! Thanks, coach.” Oikawa sends a smile to their coach as he leaves.  
"This one's fake."  
Oikawa's bottom lip sticks out, and he narrows his eyes at Iwaizumi. "Huh?"  
“Are you upset about practice?”  
Of course Iwaizumi would be able to tell, Oikawa wrinkles his nose.  
“No.” He lies.  
Iwaizumi raises his eyebrows, and Oikawa sighs.  
“Fine, a little.”  
Iwaizumi bends down to start picking up the balls littered across the floor.  
“Not everyday can be your best day.” He says. “It’s impossible.”  
Oikawa crosses his arms and sets his jaw, but he says nothing.  
“I only probably have like two really good days a month, if I’m lucky.” Iwaizumi continues.  
“I think I have about two amazing days a week.” Oikawa interrupts.  
“Fine, maybe you’re some kind of god.” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “But even so, that leaves one rest day, and four mediocre to bad days. How are you going to be upset four or more days of the week? That’s just not sustainable, and frankly, it’s stupid to expect yourself to be at top form all the time. Isn’t that the reason you train? To break yourself down and get better? You should be struggling, and you should like it.”  
Oikawa scratches his head. That… was probably true. “Wow, who knew you could be so thoughtful?”  
Iwaizumi frowns. “Shut up Loserkawa, I’ll throttle you. I’m actually a very insightful person.”  
Oikawa laughs, and bends down to help Iwaizumi clean up. He’s feeling a little better after their conversation, but he can’t help the nagging feeling in the back of his mind. I’m not doing enough. I’ll never be able to do enough.  
He isn’t even sure how hard he can actually push. Where’s his limit? Is he at it? Below it? What if he never finds it? Oikawa has no idea how hard he’s working, and he isn’t sure that it would ever feel like enough, even if he was working harder than anyone else in the world. But maybe now isn’t the time to think about that. He wants to make use of Iwaizumi's advice, but he isn’t sure what to do with it yet.  
“I guess, you’re right, Iwa-chan!” He says anyway, and he sends another smile to his friend, but he’s met with a blank expression.  
"Why are you smiling so much when you don't mean it?" Iwaizumi grumbles.  
"Ah... what?"  
"Don't smile if you don't mean it."  
"I..."  
But he has no answer. He doesn’t realize he’s faking a smile most of the time, and usually, neither does anyone else. Except for Iwaizumi. Oikawa couldn’t hide anything from Iwaizumi if he tried. Iwaizumi knows him too well for a lie. Iwaizumi knows him better than he knows himself. Knows him like the back of his hand. Knows him the way Oikawa truly wants to be known, the way he wants to be remembered when he dies. 

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**Sixteen ******

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Iwaizumi is sixteen when his biggest fear becomes a reality. 

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“I’m taller than you now.”  
It’s winter time in their first year at Aoba Johsai. The snow falls lightly through the air, dusting their jackets with a faint white layer. Iwaizumi is glad it decided to snow today after so long without it. He’s been trying to discreetly count the snowflakes in Oikawa’s dark hair.  
“What? No.” He wrinkles his nose at Oikawa’s comment, the end of it gone numb from the cold air.  
“I am too, Hajime.” Out of school, into Hajime. It’s rare, but Iwaizumi sort of likes it from Oikawa, though he won’t admit it. He also won’t admit to the slight nervous feeling that eats away at his insides when Oikawa says it, as though it’s too intimate for them to be using, and that their classmates might still be within earshot.  
“Hm. Well, whatever.”  
They continue slowly, talking about nothing in particular. Homework, a new technique for a set Oikawa saw the Brazilian team do and now wants to try, what they each might be eating for dinner later that night, and then—  
“I was thinking I might get a girlfriend.”  
Iwaizumi chokes on his next breath. “What?”  
“It’s a good cover.” Oikawa explains. “Plus, I think it would be fun for me. Loads of girls would love to date me, and then no one would even consider that we’re actually soulmates. Open your third eye, Iwa-chan.”  
“Third eye— am I a monster or something?” Iwaizumi snaps, swallowing down the bile rising up into his throat.  
Oikawa rolls his eyes. “Metaphorical third eye, obviously.”  
“Are you sure you don’t mean theoretical?”  
Oikawa narrows his eyes. “I don’t know. What’s the difference?”  
“I don’t know.”  
They continue for a minute of two in silence, until Iwaizumi circles back to their previous topic, unable to focus on anything else.  
“Well, fine.” He says. “Get a girlfriend if you want, Shittykawa, I’m not the boss of you.” He hates himself for saying it, and he doesn’t miss the dismayed expression that crosses Oikawa’s face, but he brushes it off. It was his idea, after all.  
But Iwaizumi can’t wipe the frown that pulls the corner of his mouth down the whole rest of his walk home. If this is some stupid way of trying to make him jealous or something, it isn’t going to work. He decides it probably isn’t, though. More likely than not, it’s just Oikawa looking for another source of attention he wasn’t getting from somewhere else. It’ll blow over, and honestly, Iwaizumi doubts Oikawa will actually go through with his idiotic plan. 

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Okay. Iwaizumi is jealous. He’s big enough to admit it to himself. Still, that doesn’t mean he’ll torture himself thinking about why exactly it is that he’s jealous.  
Oikawa did in fact, actually go through with his plan. And now he has a five foot three nuisance hanging onto his arm every spare minute. Either she doesn’t know about the mark, Iwaizumi figures, or she just doesn’t care, and he isn’t sure which is worse.  
His mom had heard the news— probably from Oikawa’s mom— and was treating him with a careful hand, as though he were an 8 million yen’s worth porcelain vase, precariously balanced on a table in their living room. It pissed him off to no end.  
“I’m fine mom, really.” He sighs the fourth time she brings him a warm drink in his room. This time it’s tea.  
“I know, Hajime.” She brushes the top of his head lightly with her hand. “It’s okay.”  
He pouts, leaning into her hand, and before long she’s sat in his bed next to him, running her fingers through his hair with his head in her lap, and okay, maybe he cries a little bit.  
“Why don’t you talk to him?”  
Iwaizumi shakes his head. “Talking doesn’t work on Oikawa. He’s too dense and self centered. Plus, I can’t— we’re not very good at talking about emotions. Oikawa doesn’t know how to be honest, and I don’t like to talk about how I feel.”  
“I know.”  
He sniffles a little onto her shirt, and he feels bad for getting it wet and snotty.  
“What would you do, mom?”  
His mother switches the direction in which her hand is circling through his hair.  
“What would I do?” She repeats. “I think it depends. Why do you think Oikawa would get a girlfriend when he already has a soulmate?”  
“He said it would be a cover for us, but I know he just wants to piss me off.”  
“You think that’s why he’s doing it?”  
“I mean… why else—?”  
“Maybe he feels lonely.”  
Iwaizumi blinks. “Lonely…? But I’m— I’m right here…”  
He considers the statement for a moment. Had Oikawa ever mentioned feeling lonely? He didn’t think so, but Oikawa did say a lot of things sometimes, so maybe it had slipped in there. Iwaizumi was pretty sure he would have noticed though— at this point, he considered himself pretty much an expert at reading between the lines of Oikawa’s sentences and fishing for the important or relevant information.  
“I know you’re physically there, Hajime, but Oikawa is more of a talker than you are, you know that.” His mother says.  
Oikawa isn’t always talking, but in general it’s true, he does know that.  
“And he isn’t the most confident person in the world.”  
Iwaizumi knows that too. Oikawa acts like he’s everyone’s favourite person, but deep down, he has a burning desire to prove himself. He just wants to be liked, and he wants to be praised. Iwaizumi has never let things like that get to him, or affect what he does with his life. Maybe that’s why Oikawa is a better volleyball player than he is.  
“You can be his best friend and stick by his side forever, and that means a lot, and I love how loyal you are,” she presses a kiss to his forehead, “but maybe he needs to hear it.”  
Iwaizumi wrinkles his nose. “Hear it?” 

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Hear it… okay, Iwaizumi can do that. He can tell Oikawa how he feels about him without getting defensive, aggressive, or annoyed… probably.  
It’s the usual routine on their walk to school in the morning, with Oikawa waiting up the street for him.  
“Iwa-chan!”  
“What?” It comes out even harsher than usual— really, Iwaizumi? Get it together— and he winces. “I mean, hi.”  
He doesn’t muster the courage to speak on their way there, but their morning walks are usually quieter than their afternoon ones, so he doesn’t worry about it.  
They go through their morning classes uneventfully, and then lunch passes, and Iwaizumi knows he’s running out of time, but he doesn’t know how to start— doesn’t know how to say it. He usually feels like he has an infinite amount of time with Oikawa, but lately, the older they’ve been getting, the more he feels like they’re running out of time. And how could they be? They have their whole lives, and yet Iwaizumi can feel Oikawa slipping away— can see it right in front of his eyes. Impossible, he tells himself. But is it?  
“Should we head to the library?” Oikawa’s voice interrupts his thoughts.  
Iwaizumi nods, he’ll tell him there.  
They find their usual seats, and Iwaizumi pulls his notes out of his backpack slowly, talking himself up in his own head. Calm down, it’s really not that hard to say. ‘I don’t want you to have a girlfriend, because I care about you and I think it means something that we’re promised to each other…’  
But how can he tell Oikawa not to get a girlfriend when he won’t even let him tell people that they’re soulmates?  
Just tell him you care about him, and you want to spend more time with him alone like you used to.  
His mouth dries up at the thought, and his tongue feels like sandpaper.  
“Iwa-chan, are you alright?” Oikawa frowns, one of his eyebrows lifting above the other, and his head tilts minutely to the left.  
“Uh, yeah. Listen, Oikawa, I wanted to say—”  
“Tōru!”  
A blur of long dark hair whips past Iwaizumi and falls into the seat next to Oikawa.  
“Haru-chan!” Oikawa smiles.  
So much for telling him now. Iwaizumi doesn’t know why he’s nervous, or making such a big deal of it. It isn’t as though he has to confess, after all.  
“Hi, Iwaizumi-san.” Oikawa’s girlfriend smiles at him.  
“Ito-san.” He nods, feeling sick to his stomach.  
It’s the fourth day Ito has joined them at their usual table at lunch, and she follows them to practice too— sitting in the stands watching. The only times Iwaizumi gets to be free of having to watch her and Oikawa’s god awful PDA is when she’s in knitting club.  
He stares into his books, but he can’t read any of the words— all of his focus pointed at not looking up at the pair in front of him, but his eyes are drawn to them like magnets, and every time they flick up he just wants to die.  
Eventually, Oikawa pulls himself up after a call from someone in another area of the library, and Iwaizumi is left alone at the table with Ito. He pointedly avoids her eyes, but she coughs quietly to grab his attention.  
“Is something wrong?” She asks him quietly.  
“No.” Iwaizumi snaps.  
Ito laces her fingers together, and her eyes wander over the books on the table.  
“I’m sorry if I did something.” She says. “I didn’t realize…” she sighs. “Well, Oikawa obviously has… other things on his mind. The last thing I wanted to do was cause problems.”  
Iwaizumi blinks. She’s nice. Damn you, Shittykawa.  
“You aren’t causing any problems.” He tells her.  
Ito bites at her thumb nail. “Are you sure?”  
“Positive.” Iwaizumi grumbles, sending an angry glance in Oikawa’s direction.  
He looks up as the chair one of his feet is resting on is pulled away from the table, and Hanamaki and Matsukawa seat themselves on either side of him.  
There’s a quiet moment, and then Ito clears her throat and stands, announcing that she’s going to the bathroom. Iwaizumi sighs as his two teammates place their elbows on the table, and drop their chins into their palms in unison.  
“So…” Makki says, leaning slightly towards him.  
“So…” Iwaizumi echoes, staring adamantly down at his notes.  
Mattsun pulls the books away. “Don’t think we haven’t noticed.”  
“Noticed what?” Iwaizumi decides to play dumb.  
“You and Oikawa…”  
Iwaizumi holds off any more words for as long as he can bear, but Makki and Mattsun might as well be staring into his goddamn soul with those fucking piercing eyes of theirs—  
“Okay, yeah we’re soulmates, but can you not—”  
“Holy shit, what?”  
Iwaizumi blanks for a moment. “What?”  
“You’re—” Makki quiets his voice— thankfully he is much, much better at being discreet than Oikawa is. “You’re soulmates?”  
“You didn’t…?” Iwaizumi is hitting himself internally.  
“I mean, we thought you just had a crush on him or something,” Mattsun’s eyes are wide. “And we were going to tell you that you should get over it, because these kinds of things never turn out well but holy shit you’re actually soulmates.”  
Iwaizumi runs his palms over his face. “I wish I could just get over it.” He grumbles.  
Hanamaki and Matsukawa share a different kind of look.  
“Stop feeling sorry for me.” Iwaizumi huffs.  
“We’re not—” Mattsun starts.  
“Why the fuck does he have a girlfriend?” Makki finishes.  
“Because he’s Oikawa.” Iwaizumi shrugs.  
“And he’s a piece of shit.” Makki growls.  
Iwaizumi is about to respond, when Ito arrives back at the table. She looks nervous.  
“Anyways,” Makki stands, and Mattsun follows his lead. “See you at practice.”  
Iwaizumi bids them goodbye, and then he’s left alone with Ito again.  
They work quietly for a few minutes, until she asks him a question about one of their homework assignments, and Iwaizumi can’t bring himself to be mean to her. He even feels a little sorry for her.  
“You’re a much better study partner than Shittykawa, over there.” He tells her.  
They both look over to the back of the library, where Oikawa stands in a circle of second year girls.  
Ito laughs. “Isn’t one to sit still is he? And he has the attention span of a goldfish for almost anything other than volleyball.”  
Iwaizumi feels a smile creeping onto his face. “You’ve noticed?”  
“Yeah, he—” She pauses. “Well, you know.”  
Iwaizumi is grateful she chose not to go into detail about their relationship.  
“Yeah.” He agrees.  
“Are you guys talking about me?” Oikawa asks as he sits back down.  
“No. Get your head out of your ass, Shittykawa. Not everything is about you.” Iwaizumi mutters.  
Ito laughs, and he joins her. Oikawa watches them with raised eyebrows.  
“Uh, Iwa-chan, do you want to go play volleyball before lunch is over?”  
He narrows his eyes, but holds his tongue. Oikawa looks bothered by something.  
“Yeah, okay.” He agrees. “Are you coming, Ito-san?”  
Ito shakes her head. “I think I’m going to stay here today. Have fun!” 

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Iwaizumi is almost looking forward to making fun of Oikawa again with Ito at lunch the next day, but she doesn’t show.  
“Where’s Ito?”  
“She broke up with me.” Oikawa says. “I don’t know what I did!”  
Iwaizumi frowns. “Dumbass— she wasn’t even a real girlfriend to you. I think she might have even liked you for real, and you were just using her.”  
Oikawa’s ears turn red, “I wasn’t…” But he can’t finish his own weak objection.  
Iwaizumi pretends not to see Oikawa apologizing to her in the back of the library the following day. 

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**Seventeen**

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Oikawa is seventeen when he injures himself. 

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It's overtraining, he knows it is, but how can he stop when each day wasted is another day to fall behind someone like Kageyama, who he's sure has no idea what it's like to have to work this hard?  
"What are you still doing here—?" Iwaizumi breaks off when he sees Oikawa on the ground.  
He's by his side a second later, his eyebrows pulled together in concern.  
"What happened?"  
"Ah—" Oikawa winces. "I'm okay, Iwa-chan. Just—" He tries to stand but stumbles, and Iwaizumi has to catch him.  
"You hurt yourself."  
"Maybe..." Oikawa doesn't have it in him to joke or tease.  
"Idiot!"  
He doesn't have it in him to argue either.  
Iwaizumi's features soften. "What did you do?"  
"I was practicing my jump serve and I landed weird." He says. "My knee just..." He grimaces, remembering the feeling of his knee turning in under his weight, and the crunching sound he swears he’d heard when he landed.  
"You were tired?"  
Oikawa nods.  
"You've been training too much lately."  
Oikawa rolls his eyes. Leave it to Iwaizumi to state the obvious. As if he needed to hear that.  
"I'm serious." Iwaizumi says. "You need to calm down. Rest makes you better too."  
"Right." Right. He knows he's right.  
That doesn’t mean he likes it.  
Iwaizumi sighs. “I’m taking you to the hospital.” 

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"It’s a small tear." The doctor says once they’re in the office. "A sprain. It’ll be healed before long, but the area you indicated the pain doesn’t exactly match with what I saw on the ultrasound— have you noticed any other pain in that knee?”  
Ah… Oikawa hesitates, and he knows Iwaizumi is going to hit him later for what he’s about to say, but he decides he doesn’t want to lie to his doctor.  
“Actually, I was noticing some pain for a few weeks before I hurt it, but it wasn’t that bad, so I thought I could push through it…”  
“I see.” The doctor purses his lips. “Would you mind if I take another look?”  
Oikawa nods, and the doctor begins poking around at his knee.  
“A few weeks?” Iwaizumi hisses from beside him.  
Oikawa glances away in shame. He’s glad that Iwaizumi doesn’t press the subject any further right now, but he’s aware and not eager for the hawk-like vigil he will probably have on him at practices from now on. As if Iwaizumi wasn’t paying enough attention to him already. Wow. Complaining about too much attention. Definitely not feeling like myself.  
The doctor asks him a couple of questions, where does it hurt? Is it painful to do this or that? How would you rate the pain on a scale of 1-10? Eventually, he stands again. Oikawa can’t wait to go home.  
“It looks like you might have mild patellar tendonitis. Probably from overtraining— do you have a competition coming up?”  
“Yeah.” Iwaizumi answers for him. “In a couple of months.”  
The doctor nods. “You’ll be good to go by then. Just stay off your leg for the rest of the week. Abstain from any physical activity on it for about a month, to be on the safe side, and don't push it too hard for another month after that. If you feel it getting aggravated during practice, you should stop and ice it."  
Oikawa pouts. He wants to cry, if he's being honest. Eight weeks... eight weeks of falling behind, all because his stupid knee couldn't handle the training. If he was stronger—no, if he was just better, then he wouldn't be here in the first place.  
"Got it." He hears Iwaizumi tell the doctor. "We'll make sure he's careful and recovers properly."  
Iwaizumi helps him out of the hospital and back to his house by taxi, and Oikawa watches the buildings blur past the window the whole way back. He barely notices when they arrive and Iwaizumi pays the driver, before helping him out of the back seat.  
“Ridiculously expensive for a fifteen minute ride.” He grumbles quietly as he helps Oikawa into his house.  
They leave their shoes by the door, having to take an extra minute to get the one off of Oikawa’s bad leg. It takes them a few minutes after that to get up the stairs, and Iwaizumi helps him onto his bed, where he sits in silent contemplation.  
Outside, the wind rustles the trees, and the moon hangs low in the sky, curved like a wicked smile. Oikawa stares at it. He swears it’s mocking him. Stop being so damn happy. I’m injured and I can’t play volleyball. The world is basically ending. Stupid fucking moon. I swear to god, if I could, I would fly up there and—  
“You’re hardly ever this quiet.” Iwaizumi speaks. “It’s scaring me.”  
Oikawa turns his head slowly from the window.  
“Sorry, Iwa-chan.” He murmurs. “Thanks for helping me home.”  
“Mhm.” Iwaizumi hums, then he glances around the room. “Your parents are still out?”  
“Yeah,” Oikawa responds lowly. “Visiting my grandparents.”  
“Do you want to call them?”  
“No. I’ll just tell them when they get home.”  
“Okay.”  
Oikawa doesn’t fully process the fact that Iwaizumi isn’t snapping at him the way he usually does, but his voice is calmer and Oikawa knows he feels safer with him here than alone.  
“Can you stay over?”  
Iwaizumi looks at him. “Yeah, of course.”  
It isn’t that weird of an occurrence for them, but Oikawa can’t help the feeling that something is different. Or that something might be about to change. He’s sure he can’t be the only one who feels the tension in the air, but Iwaizumi doesn’t comment on it.  
“You should take a bath.” He says instead, standing and offering Oikawa a hand. “You’ll feel better if you get cleaned up.”  
“Yeah, but I can’t really…”  
“I’ll help you.”  
Oikawa must have given him a strange look, because Iwaizumi frowns and looks away, and even in the darkening room, Oikawa can see that he’s blushing.  
“It’s not like you walk around the change rooms fully clothed.” Iwaizumi says.  
“Yeah, but… that’s different.”  
“I’ve seen you in the bath loads of times, Shittykawa. Don’t make it weird.”  
“When we were kids…”  
“Just… okay.” Iwaizumi sighs. “I’ll help you into the room and then I’ll wait outside. You can yell if you need something.”  
“Okay.” Oikawa agrees, cautiously swinging his legs over the edge of his bed.  
Iwaizumi helps him into the bathroom and sits him at the edge of the tub. When it’s run, he lays out the soap on the side and hangs a towel on a hook nearby for Oikawa.  
“Don’t fall over.” He says. “Or drown.”  
The door closes and Oikawa pulls his shirt off, and when he’s fully undressed, carefully lowers himself into the water. Ow. It’s hot— stupid Iwaizumi always liked his baths and showers at a nearly unbearable temperature, and though it had been a long time since they’d had one together, Oikawa hadn’t forgotten.  
He isn’t sure why he made such a fuss about bathing by himself. Sure, he knows that he and Iwaizumi don’t act like most soulmates who have found each other at their age do, but he doesn’t think it’s shyness. He’s completely comfortable with Iwaizumi—doesn’t much care about modesty when it comes to him, to be honest.  
So maybe… is it pride? Does he not want Iwaizumi to see him struggling, or hurting? He doesn’t… he doesn’t want Iwaizumi to think he’s weak, he decides. But it’s not as though he’s always completely put together. Iwaizumi has seen him give into his emotions countless times. Iwaizumi is the strong and stable one of the two of them.  
But this is different. When it comes to volleyball, when they’re standing on the court, Oikawa is the one Iwaizumi counts on, and he knows this. Of course, they count on each other—the whole team does—but Oikawa is the captain. He’s supposed to lift them up to their full potential. How can he do that when he can’t even stand on his own two legs?  
He pulls the bar of soap into the water with a sigh and slowly starts to clean himself off, but once he gets to his head, he realizes there isn’t any shampoo or conditioner on the edge of the bathtub. He doesn’t want to wash his hair with soap.  
He knows exactly what Iwaizumi would say: 'pride is a stupid reason to be stubborn, Shittykawa'.  
He lets out a huff. He can practically hear it.  
“Iwa-chan?”  
For a few seconds, Iwaizumi doesn’t reply, and Oikawa wonders if he’s fallen asleep. Then the door creaks open an inch.  
“Yeah?”  
“Come inside, you’re letting the steam out.”  
“O—oh.” He stammers, but does as Oikawa tells him.  
He sits at the edge of the bathtub, facing the sink that stands in front of him across the small room.  
“Can you get me shampoo and conditioner?” Oikawa requests. “You forgot to put them out.”  
Iwaizumi huffs, but he does as he’s asked and places the bottles on the edge of the tub behind him.  
“Can you get the bubble bath out of the cupboard too?”  
“Hah,” Iwaizumi grins in amusement and leans forward to take it out, before passing it back over his shoulder to Oikawa.  
“Don’t use too much.” He says, and Oikawa glances up at the back of his head sheepishly, having already emptied nearly half of the bottle.  
“Uh huh.” He says, seeing Iwaizumi’s eye roll clearly in his mind.  
He splashes his hands around to make the bubbles grow, drawing patterns with his fingers through the froth. Iwaizumi sits in silence beside him, and Oikawa wonders what he’s thinking about. He grins at the back of Iwaizumi’s head and splashes a tiny bit of the soapy water onto the top of his unsuspecting soulmate’s hair.  
Soulmate.  
It’s nice, but it’s gotten old. He wishes he could call him his boyfriend, but they haven’t even kissed.  
Iwaizumi flinches at the water and groans in annoyance.  
“What is wrong with you?” He turns around, his eyes narrowed. Oikawa is glad for the tall layer of bubbles above the water’s surface.  
Before Oikawa can react, Iwaizumi reaches for the bottle of shampoo on the side of the tub and dumps it over his head.  
“Iwa-chan!” He protests, rubbing shampoo off of his face. “Don’t waste it like that!”  
Iwaizumi shrugs. “It’s not my shampoo.”  
“Hm.” Oikawa pouts, and waits for Iwaizumi to turn back around, but he doesn’t.  
One of his hands reaches forward, and Oikawa freezes, but it lands on top of his head. He watches Iwaizumi’s face as he begins to rub the shampoo over his scalp in circles, and he blinks at how nice it feels. It’s been a long time since anyone has washed his hair for him.  
He sits silently as Iwaizumi leans forward to get the back of his head. While he’s occupied, Oikawa glances at the gap between his chest and t-shirt, and a mischievous glint lights up his eyes.  
He cups a handful of bubbles and drops it down the front of Iwaizumi’s shirt.  
“Oikawa what—?” Iwaizumi flinches back, and when he looks back up, there’s murder in his eyes.  
“Oh—” Oikawa presses himself against the other side of the bathtub, but he has nowhere to escape to, and Iwaizumi reaches back over the side.  
“No!” Oikawa tries to get away, but Iwaizumi grabs at his wrist. He’s aware of how uncharacteristically gentle he’s being—he must be worried about his knee.  
“That was just payback for the shampoo!”  
“But you’re in the water and I’m not!”  
They laugh, and Oikawa can’t help his eyes moving down to Iwaizumi’s wet t-shirt.  
He’s seen Iwaizumi shirtless loads of times—and yes, he has a great physique (Oikawa will be the first to admit this)—but it isn’t as though he hasn’t seen his body before. So why…  
“My eyes are up here Shittykawa.”  
Oikawa snaps his wandering gaze back up to Iwaizumi’s face, expecting to be met with a glare, but instead gets a soft smile.  
For once in his life, he’s speechless. He opens his mouth a few times, but he can’t think of anything to say. Iwaizumi lifts an eyebrow, but he’s still smiling, and Oikawa feels like this is the first time he’s ever seen him, and the other is looking down at him in the same way.  
“Should we…?” Iwaizumi asks, and Oikawa looks up at him with wide eyes.  
“Should we what?” He murmurs.  
“You know, get you out? Go to sleep now?”  
Oikawa coughs. “Right, yeah.”  
Back to reality. What had he really thought Iwaizumi was going to suggest they do?  
Neither of them say anything as Iwaizumi helps Oikawa from the bath and back into his room, where they change into pajamas. Oikawa sighs contentedly as he stretches his arms over his pillow, and he feels his eyelids start to fall closed. The lights in the room go out, and Iwaizumi’s shadow makes its way towards him.  
“Um, where am I sleeping then?” Iwaizumi frowns at him from beside the bed.  
“We can share.” Oikawa smiles faintly.  
“Okay.” Iwaizumi mutters. “Just stay on your own side.”  
“Mhm.” Oikawa agrees, but when he wakes up, it’s Iwaizumi’s arm that is thrown across his chest. 

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**Eighteen ******

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Iwaizumi is eighteen when something changes. 

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Things have been different for a couple of weeks, but lately, especially since… whatever happened that night he took Oikawa home from the doctors, even more so. He can’t keep his mind off of Oikawa, and it’s starting to get on his nerves. Yes, he’s aware that they’re soulmates. Yes, he knows that they will probably spend the rest of their lives together, if they’re so lucky. That doesn’t stop him from being annoyed by that dumbass, and annoyed by the fact that he’s worried about him.  
He’s been showing up to all of their practices still, even though Iwaizumi has assured him time and time again that he can act as captain, and that Oikawa doesn’t need to worry.  
He’s sure it’s something different as well though— Oikawa misses volleyball, simple as that. He would rather spend his time sitting in the gym watching, than doing something else productive. 

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“You should spend more time studying while you can.” Iwaizumi cautions him in the library one afternoon. “You’ll have to do entrance exams soon, and it’ll be a good use of your free time.”  
Oikawa purses his lips. “I guess so. I’m thinking there’ll be more volleyball than studying in my future, though.”  
“So you’re not planning on going to university?” Iwaizumi asks.  
“I probably will. I still want to get an education.” Oikawa twirls his pen. “I just don’t know when or where, yet.”  
“You should think about it, at least.”  
“Mhm, yeah.”  
Passive answers, his gaze focused on the window, but not really seeing beyond the glass. Iwaizumi is pretty sure he knows what he’s thinking about. 

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Oikawa hasn’t really been himself without being able to play… Iwaizumi watches him standing above the court at practice the next Saturday morning.  
“Iwa—” Matsukawa warns, but he breaks off when the ball slams into the side of Iwaizumi’s head.  
The team chuckles, and he grimaces in embarrassment.  
“Sorry,” Matsukawa and Hanamaki stifle quiet giggles. “Too late.”  
“Pay attention, captain-in-law!” Kindaichi jokes from across the net, eliciting a few more laughs from around the court. He stops laughing abruptly when Iwaizumi glares at him.  
“Uh, I mean— sorry for hitting you.” He stutters.  
“Iwaizumi!” Coach Irihata calls. “Focus!”  
“Got it.” He shakes his head in shame.  
He pointedly avoids the view in the stands for the rest of practice. 

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He finds Oikawa when they’re done, and they leave together like they usually do.  
“Coach said I can’t come watch practice anymore.” Oikawa tells him with a sigh as he pushes the door open.  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Yeah. Apparently I’m a distraction to the team.” He winks, and Iwaizumi feels his cheeks grow warm.  
“He also said I should take this opportunity to really take a break from volleyball. I think his words were, ‘you need to rest your brain, just like any other part of your body’.” Oikawa shakes his head, as though he can’t believe his coach would say something so bizzare.  
“He’s right, you should take a break from thinking about volleyball. But the last thing you should be doing is resting your brain.” Iwaizumi grumbles.  
Oikawa narrows his eyes. “Was that a dig at my intelligence?”  
“I don’t know, why don’t you figure it out?”  
“Apparently I’m too stupid to!”  
“Ah, so you did get it!”  
“You’re the one who told me I should take a break from thinking!”  
“About volleyball.” Iwaizumi laughs at Oikawa’s disdain.  
His soulmate heaves a long sigh, and puts both of his hands on top of his head.  
“Yeah, well. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Can’t play, can’t even watch the team…”  
“Get a life.” Iwaizumi suggests. “Just for six weeks.”  
Oikawa sighs again. “Volleyball is my life. I don’t need another one. Besides, I don’t really have anything else I like to do.”  
“You need to find something for the moment.”  
“Impossible.” Oikawa decides.  
Iwaizumi looks up from his phone.  
“You really don’t have anything else you might want to do?”  
Oikawa puts his finger to his lower lip. “I guess I could think of something…”  
“What would that be?”  
Oikawa regards him for a moment.  
“That’s for me to know, and you to not know.”  
“I really don’t think that’s how the saying goes.”  
“Well alright, if you have to know, I wouldn’t mind doing something with you.” Oikawa murmurs.  
Iwaizumi lifts an eyebrow. “Like what?”  
Oikawa shrugs. “Is watching volleyball world championships replays off the table?”  
Iwaizumi chuckles. “You know what? Come on Shittykawa, we’re going to do something fun.”  
“Fun?” 

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“Are you sure this is your idea of fun?” Oikawa says, regarding the glow in the dark bowling alley they stand in. Iwaizumi is watching the way the black lights make his teeth and white shirt light up.  
In the lane to their left is a couple, laughing and hugging with each turn, and Iwaizumi briefly wonders if they’re supposed to be acting like that too.  
“Why?” He tilts his head at Oikawa. “I can’t enjoy doing normal things too?”  
“Bowling just doesn’t seem like your thing.” Oikawa murmurs. “You’ve never mentioned it.”  
“It doesn’t have to be your thing to do it. And why would I mention bowling?”  
He has to admit that Oikawa is right though— bowling is definitely not his thing. The slippery floors, the ugly shoes… but if it takes Oikawa’s mind off things, even for a minute, then it’s fine. He looks up at the little screen, set up with their two names, and smiles slightly.  
“You’re going first.”  
“You know, Iwa-chan, I have no idea how to bowl.” Oikawa scratches his head.  
“You’ll figure it out.” Iwaizumi grins, but receives a pout in return.  
He watches Oikawa pick up a ball and wander towards the lane, taking slow steps forward. After a second, Iwaizumi takes a hesitant step after him. They are alone after all…  
“Here.” He approaches Oikawa and positions himself closely behind him, then puts his hand over the other boys’. “Swing like this.” He pulls their arms back. “Careful of your knee.”  
“Mhm. Got it.” Oikawa sounds pleased.  
Iwaizumi steps back, and Oikawa throws the ball. It sails down the track, and knocks over each of the pins— a perfect strike.  
“Woah!” Oikawa spins around with a smile.  
Iwaizumi blinks at the empty row where the pins had just stood.  
“I’m starting to think you lied about not knowing how to bowl.” He frowns.  
“Maybe I’m just naturally talented!”  
“I doubt that.”  
Oikawa drops his hands to his sides.  
“Kidding.” Iwaizumi says, picking his own ball up. “I’m sure that’s exactly the case.”  
He throws the ball into the center of the lane, and it rolls straight down— and then it curves. The ball falls into the gutter and behind the pins.  
Iwaizumi groans and turns back to Oikawa, who stands with a hand over his mouth.  
“Shut up.”  
“Maybe I should teach you how to bowl, huh Iwa-chan?”  
He’s about to go back to their bench, when Oikawa presents him with another bowling ball.  
“Here.” He says, waiting for Iwaizumi to take it.  
Once he has, Oikawa spins him around by the shoulders.  
“Okay, you need to look ahead at your target. Don’t look at the floor or anything.”  
Iwaizumi feels one of Oikawa’s hands move to his hip, and he wrinkles his nose at the way his heart rate increases from the touch.  
“—then you swing back,” he realizes he’s missed most of what Oikawa had said. “And let go!”  
They swing their arms in unison, and the ball goes flying down the lane. It bounces a few times, and Iwaizumi flinches as it lands on the lane next to theirs, and takes out every pin.  
“Oh my god.” Oikawa says. “A strike!”  
“In the completely wrong lane.” Iwaizumi puts his head in his hands. “Don’t tell me you were trying to do that?”  
“Well, no.” Oikawa admits. “You threw that with a lot of force, Iwa-chan.”  
“Maybe you were just pissing me off.” He suggests.  
“Ouch.” Oikawa narrows his eyes. “After all I did to help you…”  
“You’re obviously a shitty teacher, the ball ended up in the wrong lane.”  
“That’s probably due to you being a shitty student.”  
“I just don’t have the same kind of natural talent that you do, I guess.” Iwaizumi shrugs.  
Oikawa looks at him, and then he smiles, and it isn’t even a big smile— his teeth don’t show— but Iwaizumi thinks it’s maybe the realest smile from him that he’s ever seen, and he doesn’t ever want it to disappear.  
The two of them are there, and time seems to stop. The outside world no longer exists. It’s only him and Oikawa Tōru standing in a grimy, dingy, glow in the dark bowling alley, and he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.  
“Yahoo, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa waves his hand in front of his face.  
Iwaizumi must have missed whatever he’d said before. He’s going to go crazy at this rate.  
“Hm?”  
“We should finish the game so we can get out of here. I’m getting hungry.” 

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Their game ends with Oikawa winning, though Iwaizumi supposes the first strike must have been mainly luck, seeing as he couldn’t seem to repeat it for the rest of the hour.  
They head back out of the alley, and Iwaizumi is surprised to see that it’s still light out, as though the darkness inside the bowling alley should be reflected in the real world. He checks his phone, and it’s only 2pm.  
“Do you want to eat out somewhere?”  
Oikawa thinks for a moment. “Nah, not really. Is anyone at your house?”  
“Probably.” Iwaizumi tells him. “It’s Saturday.”  
“Uh. Yeah.”  
Iwaizumi wonders what he’s thinking.  
“They’d be happy to have you, if you want to go eat lunch there.” He says.  
“Really?”  
“Pshh, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have said it.”  
“Alright, alright.” Oikawa waves his hand. “Let’s go then!”  
The walk is quiet, but it isn’t uncomfortable. Iwaizumi checks on Oikawa out of the corner of his eye every few minutes, but his knee doesn’t seem to be bothering him. He knows Oikawa won’t want him to ask about it, but he also knows he won’t say anything about pain until he’s quite literally falling to the ground.  
“Knee okay?” He decides to ask anyway.  
Oikawa hesitates for a moment, and Iwaizumi knows it’s hurting him. “Yeah, it’s okay.”  
“You could at least try to lie to me.”  
“It’s really not that bad.” Oikawa argues. “It just gets sore after a lot of walking.”  
Iwaizumi stops and turns his back slightly to Oikawa. “Get on.”  
“W—what?”  
“I can piggyback you the rest of the way. It’s like ten minutes.”  
Oikawa twiddles his fingers together. “I’m sure I can make it ten minutes.”  
“I don’t want you slowing me down.” Iwaizumi grumbles. “Please.” He adds.  
“Pft, you better not be slow then.” Oikawa agrees, hopping up slightly onto his back.  
Iwaizumi hooks his hands under Oikawa’s legs, being careful of his knee, and starts back down the sidewalk. He can feel the knee brace under Oikawa’s pants and feels another pang of sadness for his best friend. He pushes it away— Oikawa doesn’t want or need his pity, just his support.  
They’re quiet for a few minutes, and he feels Oikawa’s head fall onto his shoulder. He hates to admit it, but it’s so cute that it makes his insides melt. A few more minutes, and he’s starting to notice the weight on his back.  
“Shittykawa, you need to get back to volleyball soon. You’re getting heavy.”  
No answer.  
“Shittykawa?”  
Still nothing.  
“Oikawa?” He looks over his shoulder.  
Oikawa’s head is flopped forward and his eyes are closed, and there’s a little bit of drool making its way down his chin.  
“Dumbass,” Iwaizumi chides. “Who falls asleep like that?”  
It’s still cute though.  
“I guess I’ll take you home.”  
He changes course slightly, heading for Oikawa’s house rather than his own.  
“I’m happy with today.” He mumbles to no one in particular. Well, maybe to Oikawa, but he won’t hear him.  
“It’s nice to spend time with you.” He continues. “Even though you’re an annoying piece of crap, you’re my best friend. I’m proud of whatever you do, even when it’s beating me at something as dumb as bowling. You’re always better than me at everything, aren’t you? You would think I might be getting tired of that after all these years, but the truth is, all I want is to see you succeed.”  
Iwaizumi isn’t sure where these words are coming from, but when he opens his mouth, they tumble out without a thought, as though his brain isn’t forming them quickly enough for him to even process. He lets them go.  
“It hurt me more than I think you know to see you injured. I know you’ll be fine in the long run, but seeing you sad makes me feel… horrible. I would have done anything to fix you. I would take a thousand injuries if it meant you could stay healthy and happy and play volleyball forever.”  
It comes out so easily. It isn’t even a question. Part of him is scared of how much of himself he would give to Oikawa if he could. Would there even be anything left after?  
Another part of him is scared that he isn’t as independent as he always thought he was. If seeing Oikawa even slightly hurt is giving him this much stress, how could he handle anything worse? The fights, accidents that could happen— what if one of them got sick? What if he has to leave Oikawa forever one day, or Oikawa has to leave him? There are some things in the world that you just can’t control. Iwaizumi has always been able to control his emotions, but for the first time now, he can’t.  
He has no idea how to— and it isn’t anger or sadness or frustration— but something stronger. Something he knows— has even felt for Oikawa— but hasn’t felt so strongly before. He’s positive what the four letter word that would describe the way he’s feeling is, but he can’t even bring himself to say it in his own head.  
What is he so afraid of?  
He can’t answer that question in his own head either.  
He arrives outside Oikawa’s house and slows down, readjusting the body on his back slightly. Iwaizumi figures he should wake Oikawa and get him onto the ground, but when he looks over his shoulder, his soulmate’s eyes are open, and staring mildly at him.  
“O—Oikawa!” He blinks. “How long have you been…”  
He fades off when Oikawa reaches out and turns Iwaizumi’s chin towards himself, then starts to lean in.  
Woah. He’s right there, and Iwaizumi’s heart is beating too fast, and they’re outside, and a million other things, and it crosses his mind that maybe he’s scared. Whatever it is he’s feeling, he knows he can’t do this.  
“Wait—” Iwaizumi turns his face away.  
Oikawa pulls back, his eyes still half shut and full of confusion. “Sorry… did I do something wrong?”  
Iwaizumi shakes his head. “No, sorry. I’m just… I’m not…”  
“Not ready.” Oikawa whispers. “That’s okay. We don’t have to. I shouldn’t have tried without asking. I’m sorry.”  
Iwaizumi bites his lip. “No, it’s okay. Don’t be sorry, please.”  
A painful moment of silence passes, and he becomes aware that Oikawa is still clinging to his back.  
“Um, here.” Iwaizumi lowers him slowly.  
“Right.” Oikawa steps back onto his feet, both of them being careful to put his good knee down first.  
They stand half facing each other, half facing the house, and Iwaizumi wishes that the ground would open up and swallow him whole.  
“Okay, I’m going to head inside then.” Oikawa mumbles eventually.  
“Uh huh.” Iwaizumi nods.  
The tension is twisting his stomach into knots.  
“See you tomorrow, Shittykawa.” He rushes out as Oikawa turns away.  
He gets a smile back in return, and things are almost normal again. Whatever normal means for them.  
He sighs as he sets off on his walk back home, hoping that the recent developments won’t make things awkward between him and Oikawa.  
The smile wasn’t real. 

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**Eighteen ******

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Oikawa is eighteen when he and Iwaizumi have their first fight. 

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Like, real fight. They aren't dating, but this fight isn't the kind of fight that friends have.  
It’s been months since their almost-kiss, and Oikawa has been outwardly acting as though nothing happened, but he can’t stop his brain running it over and over again behind his eyelids at night. And the dreams he’s been having— well those haven’t been helping with his frustrations either.  
Maybe he shouldn’t have tried to kiss Iwaizumi. Maybe he should have pretended to still be asleep. But he thought… he had really thought that that was it for them. The big moment where they realize that this was what everything had been building up to. The part near the end of the movie where the love interests kiss, and suddenly everything is perfect. Then his knee would heal— that part at least has gone pretty well— and they would win prefecturals, and then they would ride that wave to nationals, and why not win that as well while they’re at it?  
Maybe real life isn’t like the movies, he supposes. He should just be glad that Iwaizumi didn’t completely freak out and run away. It probably still isn’t too late for him to move away without a word, Oikawa thinks with a frown.  
That wouldn’t happen again, he shakes his head.  
He looks up, and meets Iwaizumi’s eyes across the table. The brown eyes sitting in front of him move back down to their own book quickly, and Oikawa sighs. They're at their usual place in the library together after class, but it’s anything but usual the way they’re acting. He nearly loses himself in thought again when he notices a girl by the aisle next to them reaching for a book on the highest shelf.  
"Let me get that for you." Oikawa stands and pulls the book down. He sees Iwaizumi roll his eyes at the table.  
"Oh, thank you!" The girl smiles at him, and her eyes lock on the edge of the writing sticking out from his sleeve.  
"Ah, Oikawa-san!" The girl squeals. "You have your mark!"  
"Uh?" He looks up at her. "Oh, yeah."  
"Woah, you're so lucky. And so is she." The girl gazes wistfully at his arm, and he knows she means well, but he can't help the discomfort that worms its way up his spine.  
"Thanks." He tries for a smile, but the girl doesn't even have to be Iwaizumi to see through it this time.  
"Is something wrong? Are you having a hard time with your soulmate?"  
"Uh," Oikawa sighs, "I don't know."  
He's aware of Iwaizumi sitting completely still, and knows he is listening to them.  
"You can't sort it out with her now?"  
"She goes to a different school." He lies.  
"Ah..." The girl frowns. "That is so romantic, though."  
He doesn't respond then, and she takes the cue to leave. "Good luck in your game tomorrow!" She addressed Iwaizumi as well now.  
When she is gone, and Oikawa sits back down, his chin falls onto the back of his hands, which are pressed flat against the table.  
“Are you having trouble with your soul mate?” Iwaizumi asks quietly.  
"How long are we supposed to hide this?" Oikawa mumbles in response. And how long are we going to pretend we don’t both know that things are so weird between us, he wants to add. But he doesn’t.  
Iwaizumi doesn't answer for a minute, but when he does, it's hardly an answer. "Lower your voice, Shittykawa."  
Oikawa rolls his eyes, but he does as Iwaizumi asks. He forces a smile onto his face, preferring it not appear outwardly that they are arguing.  
"I just think... people should be able to handle this by now." He mutters. "We're hardly the first people in the world to be gay, and I'm not ashamed—"  
"Can we not talk about this here?"  
"No. We're talking about it."  
"So when you don't want to talk about something we don't talk about it, but when I don't want to talk about something—"  
"Are you embarrassed to have me as a soulmate?" Oikawa whispers.  
"What?" Iwaizumi's head snaps up. "No." But he glances around the library again, and Oikawa has had it.  
He stands and packs his books into his backpack.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Going home."  
"Are you mad at me?"  
Oikawa doesn't answer. He's not sure how much longer he can keep his emotions in check, and as bad as he's feeling, he still doesn't want to hurt Iwaizumi.  
"It'll look more suspicious if—"  
"Oh, shut up!" Oikawa finally speaks, more loudly than he means too. He's causing a scene, but he doesn't care anymore. "If that's all that you care about, then why don't we just stop spending time together at all? That way we won't be suspicious to anyone."  
"Oikawa..."  
Oikawa storms out of the library, and for once, he doesn't want to be followed. He isn't sure that he'll be able to hold back the river building up against the dam behind his eyes. The stress of everything is starting to feel like a lot. He’s about to graduate highschool, and so much of his future is uncertain. He has a game tomorrow that might be a key factor in deciding some of it, and it would be a lie to say that hasn’t been weighing on him. He wants to play volleyball forever, but is he even good enough? And then everything with Iwaizumi… he knows he's pushed it too far down for far too long, but he hadn't expected it to push its way back up through the cracks so easily. 

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His bed welcomes him like a hug from an old friend he’d missed—and he knows all about how that feels. He lies face down for a moment, breathing in the scent from one of Iwaizumi’s sweaters lying on top of his covers. The fabric against his face is soft, and his eyes start to water with each inhale of the familiar smell, but he can’t bring himself to move away.  
Stupid. He was so stupid.  
Of course Iwaizumi is embarrassed by him. Oikawa knows he’s a lot. And he has his own issues, he knows this too. He had just thought… after sharing everything with Iwaizumi over the years, even his fears of being replaced by him— he had thought that his soulmate would be more sensitive to his needs. Iwaizumi had never made him feel unwanted before now.  
Oikawa is no stranger to not getting the things that he wants, but he had always believed that this one thing would be the exception. Iwaizumi was supposed to be the exception. 

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It's almost dark out when he hears a sound against the glass of his window. At first he thinks he's imagined it, but then comes another tap, and another, and he knows who it is. He lets the taps go on for about a minute or two, but they don't stop, and frankly he's starting to worry about where all the rocks in his backyard are going to pile up, or that his window might end up with a crack in the glass.  
"Stop that." He sticks his head slowly and cautiously out of the window. "I'm coming down."  
When Oikawa opens his front door, Iwaizumi stands outside of it, his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the ground. They snap up when Oikawa steps towards him.  
“Hi.”  
“Hi.”  
No further words are spoken for at least a minute, and it feels like an eternity to Oikawa. He promised himself he wouldn’t give in— that Iwaizumi would have to be the one to carry the conversation and talk about his feelings— but he doesn’t think he can handle the awkwardness, and his mouth might just start moving of its own volition.  
“Look I— I’m sorry.” Iwaizumi says carefully, and Oikawa lets out a relieved breath.  
“Okay.” He says.  
“Um,” Iwaizumi frowns. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you—”  
“Can you actually tell me you want to be with me?” Oikawa interrupts.  
So much for letting Iwaizumi do the talking. He has to get to the point.  
“Yes, of course I do.”  
It’s a quick answer, no hesitation. That’s comforting, at least, but it isn’t everything.  
“Now? For real?”  
Iwaizumi is silent at that. “Maybe… I don’t know if now… we’re about to graduate, we have time.”  
We’re about to graduate, and you’re going off to university who knows where, and I’ll be somewhere doing who knows what. Why can’t they make use of what time they have before they might have to say goodbye… again? Oikawa could hardly handle it the last time, and he isn’t sure that he’ll be able to this time.  
“You want me to wait, and sneak around? I… I can’t wait forever.” He says.  
“What else are you going to do?”  
He can see on Iwaizumi’s face that he regrets his words immediately, but it’s too late.  
“What else— what else am I going to do?” Oikawa’s eyes blow open. “Seriously? You think I have no choice, because we’re soulmates? Because our arms say we’re supposed to be together forever? So because of that, you can treat me however you want?”  
“No—” Iwaizumi stutters, seeming taken aback. “Of course not, no. I meant… we do have time, Oikawa. We do have forever. I don’t see why we have to rush.”  
“Thirteen years isn’t rushing.”  
Iwaizumi closes his mouth, and he stares at the ground. Oikawa watches him, but he won’t give in. He won’t.  
“Look, if you don’t have anything to say, you can leave—”  
"One piece, right?" Iwaizumi pulls a little blue figurine that usually lives on the table by his bedside out of his pocket.  
That’s low, Iwa-chan.  
Oikawa takes the toy in his hand and holds it for a minute, and the dead air between them weighs heavier and heavier by the second. Then he throws it to the floor and steps hard on it until it cracks.  
"Thanks to you," he says, "my heart isn't in one piece."  
Iwaizumi stares at the toy on the ground and takes a step back, then another, and then he turns around and he's gone before Oikawa can even think about apologizing.  
He knows what he just did was dramatic, he really does. But he couldn't help himself. Iwaizumi doesn't want him— if he truly did, he wouldn't care what anyone else thought. They aren't little kids anymore. They're old enough to know how they feel, and decide what they want. They're old enough to be able to understand and handle whatever hurt and unfairness the world might throw at them. But they're supposed to handle it together.  
One piece… that’s the stupidest thing.  
Iwaizumi isn’t just a cog in the machine of Oikawa—one part of him that fills in a singular gap. He’s the reason behind anything Oikawa does. What’s he supposed to do without a reason? No, Iwaizumi isn’t just one piece; he’s everything. He’d be more than that, if there was more. He’s every hope, dream, wish, smile, tear… he’s his everything’s everything.  
He crouches to the ground and picks up the broken pieces of plastic. He’s always hated symbolism. Especially with corny things like this. Why had he stepped on it? He could have thrown it, maybe. Did he really have to break it?  
"You said you wouldn't leave again." Oikawa mumbles under his breath. "I can't do it alone, Iwa-chan."  
He looks down at his mark. It stares back at him mockingly. 'Who are you?' Ha, ironic.  
I don't know, he thinks. I don't know who I am without you. 

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They have to play the next day.  
Honestly, horrible timing to pick a fight with Iwaizumi, and he knows it, but... well, he feels how he feels, doesn't he?  
They don't talk in the changeroom, and he knows the rest of the team has noticed, based on the nervous looks they're giving each other as they not-so-discreetly watch the two of them.  
Hanamaki approaches him in the locker room before their warm up. “Is everything okay?”  
“Uh, yeah.” Oikawa waves him away. “Fine, Makki, let’s just get in the zone, alright?”  
“Mhmm.” His teammate agrees, but he doesn’t look convinced.  
Oikawa sees him whisper something into Matsukawa’s ear, and they share a grimace.  
He wonders what they said, but then shakes the thought out of his mind. Focus.  
“Okay.” He calls before they walk out. “You all know what to do. I’ll be there, so count on me, and I’m counting on each of you as well.”  
He avoids Iwaizumi’s eyes, and doesn’t hear his voice in the assertive reply of the group. Not a problem. Things will be fine in the game. 

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Things aren’t fine in the game.  
Karasuno is better than they were before, somehow. Oikawa is doing all he can to keep himself together, and it’s a lot of effort.  
Just act normal.  
He tries to pretend he’s himself a few months ago— at the top of his game, hasn’t had any fights with Iwaizumi. How would he act then? Full of himself. Confident, confident, confident. But it’s so fake. It was always fake.  
Before long, he finds himself standing by the net, facing his least favourite player.  
"You and that small fry have gotten better, Tobio-chan." He smiles, and then his expression turns serious. "But we're going to win."  
"Well, we aren't going to lose." Kageyama replies neutrally.  
"Mmm? Well, who is then? I don't see any other teams on the court—"  
"Oikawa, get to the back and serve." Iwaizumi calls in annoyance.  
"Coming." His grin nearly falters. He'd rather be yelled at or called Shittykawa than suffer through hearing the emotionless address Iwaizumi is giving him now, but he won't let Karasuno catch on to their problems in such an important game. "See you, Tobio-chan. Don't get scared now."  
Kageyama says nothing, but he's fuming quietly, and Oikawa knows he has gotten under his skin. 

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The game moves quickly. Oikawa is on the court, and yet part of him isn’t. He doesn’t want to think about Iwaizumi, but he’s always so close that it’s impossible not to. They work the way they’ve always worked, but he can tell that his team knows they aren’t meshing perfectly— he wonders if anyone else can tell.  
It goes to the third set. How annoying. But it’s thrilling at the same time. Or maybe it would be, if he wasn’t missing half of himself. And the half of him that he wanted so desperately wasn’t standing three feet away. Each second is an effort to focus, but he still plays well. The court is the best place to let out your aggression, after all. Oikawa has plenty of pent up frustration.  
But he’s starting to become afraid, too. Not intensely— and maybe desperate is a better word for it. He pushes it down, but it’s there, just a little bit. They have to win this set, and they’re at the end now. It all comes down to this. And Oikawa has too many things to think about. He hates that he can’t stop his brain from working overtime. He hates that Iwaizumi won’t apologize first. He hates that Karasuno has gotten so much better in such a short period of time. He hates stupid Kageyama and his stupid little orange companion who somehow managed to turn him into a team player.  
He hates how bitter he is. Why can’t he just enjoy things?  
Focus!  
The ball is moving in slow motion, and his fingers are tingling. It feels like he’s floating somewhere in another life, a million years away, up in the stars somewhere, and yet at the same time, he’s right there. He’s so intensely there that he couldn’t possibly make a mistake.  
And he knows exactly what to do. No matter what they’re going through, Iwaizumi is the one he will always wholly and completely trust, even when he sees the look of surprise that flicks over his soulmate's face as he sets the ball in midair from the other side of the court.  
Time doesn’t seem to speed up until he crashes into the tables at the side of the court.  
He’s up in a second.  
He stumbles—a twinge of discomfort in his knee, but he doesn’t think twice about it. That’s going to hurt later.  
Run. He’s back in just in time to see the spike land.  
The spike doesn’t land.  
There’s no time to worry about it.  
This time. This time. This time.  
They have to do it. They need one more chance. Oikawa won’t be the player that never gets to nationals. He worked for it. He knows he wants it more than nearly anyone else in the country. He’s obsessed over it for years. He won’t have wasted those years of his life for nothing. He—  
He locks eyes with Hinata Shoyo.  
The ball hits off of the blocker’s fingertips, and then it hits off of his forearms, and it’s all too fast now.  
And then it’s all over.  
No.  
It can’t be over. It can’t just be over like that. How… how can it be over like this?  
He’s gone again, for a few seconds. He doesn’t see or hear anything. But then he remembers that he has a team to take care of, and he lifts his head.  
They make their way to the sidelines as a group, and he sees the jersey number he knows all too well slow to a stop on the floor in front of him.  
His head is down, and Iwaizumi is... Iwaizumi is crying.  
Oikawa has no idea what to say. They don’t have time for a conversation right now—they’ll figure it out later—but he knows that Iwaizumi needs support. He wants him to know that he’s here for him, no matter what. One fight doesn’t mean he’s leaving. As if he could make himself do that, even if he wanted to. No, they’re stuck with each other until the end, for better or for worse, whenever that may be.  
He passes Iwaizumi with a firm hand on his back, and he trails his palm across his shoulder blade on his way by. I’m here.  
He waits to thank the crowd until he finds Iwaizumi in the line up out of the corner of his eye, and then they’re gone.  
It’s quiet in the locker room. The team is upset, and Oikawa can’t help but feel that this is his fault.  
“I’m sorry.”  
Kindaichi looks up and wipes his eyes quickly. “No! I’m sorry. I was supposed to get you third years to nationals.”  
“I’m sorry too.” Kunimi murmurs.  
“Me too.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Sorry.”  
Echoes come from around the room.  
“You guys have nothing to be sorry for.” Oikawa sighs. “I’m the captain, and I let my emotions get in the way of this game, and—”  
“I’m sorry.” Iwaizumi is looking right at him, and Oikawa needs to take a second to meet his eyes directly.  
He has to bite his lip to keep from crying when he sees Iwaizumi’s face.  
“We played our best.” He mumbles.  
He and Iwaizumi leave the locker room side by side, and though Oikawa knows things aren’t fine between them, the close proximity is a promise of a later conversation. They’ll be okay. Of course they will.  
The team files through the door and towards their bus, but Oikawa hangs behind. His soulmate stops silently beside him.  
“I’ll be out right after.” He says. “Can I just be alone for a minute?”  
Iwaizumi nods, and Oikawa is thankful again for the full understanding they have of each other.  
When the door closes behind Iwaizumi, Oikawa takes in the empty lobby. Theirs was the last game of the day, and nearly all of the other teams have already cleared out. The sky is darkening outside, leaving dusky blue shadows over the floor. He thinks it must be reflecting his mood.  
Oikawa takes a few deep breaths. It’s not like he hasn’t lost before, but really? To Karasuno? It’s nearly as embarrassing as it is upsetting. Next time—  
And then it hits him.  
That was it. That was absolutely his last chance to ever make it to nationals. That was his last time playing a real game with Seijoh. It’s over—he’s graduating in a few months, and this part of his life is something that he will never get the chance to experience again. All he is is sad. He feels none of that bitter sweetness people talk about feeling when they look back on their youth, or their time doing something they loved.  
Maybe in a few years, he thinks, but not now.  
He should get on the bus. He doesn’t want to cry here. He’ll wait until he gets home.  
Why is he waiting here alone?  
Footsteps sound behind him, and he turns to face a familiar purple and white jacket.  
Oh, just what I need.  
He barely hears it this time, but he knows the words.  
You should have come to Shiratorizawa. You’re stupid for choosing something that made you happy over something that could have made you better.  
It isn’t a long conversation, and Oikawa wants it to end sooner. He has things to do— things like sulking, hitting a hundred angry serves, and eating ice cream. Maybe even watching a sad movie with his mom. Hopefully making up with Iwaizumi as well.  
Wakatoshi doesn’t seem to notice or care that he’s trying to escape, but when they finally part, it’s Oikawa who gets the last word in.  
“My volleyball career is not over.” He sneers. “And I’d suggest you focus on your own game and not me. At least for now.”  
He finds Iwaizumi on the bus and falls into the seat next to him, trying to control his facial expression.  
“Did something happen inside?” Iwaizumi asks immediately.  
He’s too good.  
Oikawa shakes his head. “It’s fine.” But through the bus window, he and Iwaizumi both see Ushijima leaving the building.  
Oikawa blinks when he feels something against his hand, and he stares as Iwaizumi’s fingers lace themselves through his own. Their hands sit meshed together on top of the bag on Oikawa’s lap, and he takes a deep breath, but it doesn’t help to stop the wetness he feels sliding down his cheeks. He watches the window as they drive while Iwaizumi uses his phone with his other hand, each of them pretending not to notice each other’s tears. 

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**Eighteen**

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Iwaizumi is eighteen when his world ends. 

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Okay, maybe he’s taking a page out of Oikawa’s book and being overdramatic, but it really does feel that way.  
Failed. He had failed. Failed the team, failed himself, but worst of all, he had failed Oikawa. He had known it would go this way, too. He’d known it since they were fourteen, and he’d still let it happen. He should have… he should have done something. Oikawa deserved more. He deserved so much more. Maybe if Iwaizumi had trained harder, or focused more on volleyball than school…  
But that isn’t the issue.  
He just isn’t like Oikawa. Not a lot of people are.  
He never had been, and never would be, as good, or as dedicated. Volleyball isn’t his only passion. He wants to go to university, live a life, and Oikawa wants to play volleyball forever. Iwaizumi will always support him, of course he will, but he can’t be there every single step of the way. It isn’t an easy pill to swallow. If Oikawa is really that serious about volleyball, he’ll eventually have to make a decision, and Iwaizumi will probably have to let him go. If he hasn’t lost him already.  
Shit. It hurts. Just the thought of it makes his chest tighten. Since when do I care so much? But he knows the answer. Sure, he was aggressive sometimes— cold even— but he never didn’t care. He had always cared a little too much, actually. So it’s easier to pretend not to.  
Because he’s always been scared that Oikawa will leave him. Because he knows that that’s what Oikawa should do. He’ll always need something Iwaizumi just can’t offer, but he doesn’t think he can say the same the other way around. Iwaizumi Hajime will never need anything more than he needs Oikawa Tōru. It’s just a matter of time before his soulmate feels this unbalance as well, and leaves. Iwaizumi has been preparing for it his whole life, and he doesn’t think he would blame Oikawa if it happened. And if Oikawa doesn’t leave, the only option left is even worse. Living forever with the disappointment of knowing that he could have had more— more than Seijoh’s volleyball team; more than an ace who can’t make a point when it matters most; more than a soulmate who’s too afraid to be with him.  
When had things gotten this bad? When had everything broken? Maybe there wasn’t one definite moment— they had been unravelling slowly over the past couple of years, Iwaizumi had just tried to pretend he didn’t see it. But it’s clear as ever now.  
I don’t want to play anymore, Oikawa.  
His mark seems to burn on his skin, and for the first time, he wishes it would go away. Maybe it would be less painful than this. 

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Oikawa asks him to meet at the park in their neighbourhood the next morning, and Iwaizumi replies in affirmation, but he sleeps fitfully, his mind filled with thoughts of the day to come. When he wakes, it is with a dull ache in his head, and he groans in annoyance, but sits up in his bed, not wanting to be late.  
Oikawa doesn’t look like he got much sleep the previous night either.  
They sit side by side on the swingset, Oikawa dragging his legs in the sand to pull himself closer to Iwaizumi. He wishes Oikawa would stop— he wishes he would just tell him that he doesn’t want him anymore. Get it over with. Just rip the bandaid off. Maybe it won’t hurt so much one day.  
“What are you thinking about, Iwa-chan?”  
The query surprises him. He’d assumed that Oikawa had summoned him here to talk, not to ask questions.  
“I let you down.”  
“You could never let me down.”  
Iwaizumi can tell that Oikawa is being one hundred percent sincere, and that only makes him feel worse.  
“I ruined volleyball for you! You never even got to go to nationals—”  
“Hajime.” Oikawa frowns, and Iwaizumi closes his mouth. “You did not ruin volleyball for me.” He scoffs. “How ridiculous. You know I make my own choices— it’s my life. Some people would say I’ve made wrong ones concerning my volleyball career, but I don’t believe in that. There’s always multiple ways to get to the same destination, and there aren’t any right or wrong choices, what happens happens, and that’s it. If I’m the best, people will see that.”  
Iwaizumi sighs. “I didn’t just let you down in volleyball, Oikawa.”  
The brown eyes on the swing next to him stare intently into his own. “I’m truly glad that I got to play with you all these years. There’s no one else I would have wanted to do it with, whatever the outcome.”  
Iwaizumi stares at him. He has a feeling that Oikawa’s words extend deeper than just play on the court, and he smiles sadly. There’s no one else I would have wanted to do this with, no matter the outcome. This was the end, then.  
“Jeez, who knew you could be so deep Crappykawa.” He sniffles.  
Oikawa shakes his head. “You can’t even let me be deep without making some shitty sarcastic remark about it.”  
Iwaizumi decides not to make another shitty sarcastic remark.  
“They do.” He says instead.  
“What?”  
“People do see that you’re the best.”  
Oikawa laughs.  
“I’m nowhere near the best yet, Iwa-chan.”  
“That’s not true. You need to give yourself some credit. You work hard— you are near the best. And you keep getting better. That’s the scary thing about you. And that’s why I didn’t want to hold you back. No one around here is good enough for you.”  
That’s why I won’t blame you for leaving.  
“You need to give yourself some credit too.” Oikawa says.  
“Huh?”  
“You’re enough. When will you realize that?”  
I’m enough… for you? His mind is racing. He wishes Oikawa wouldn’t say these kinds of things to him right before breaking his heart, but he has to admit it’s on brand for him.  
Iwaizumi doesn’t reply, but his head snaps up when his soulmate laughs.  
“To think, all this time,” Oikawa breathes. “I was thinking I could never be good enough for you— were you thinking the same thing?”  
“You... ?” Iwaizumi frowns. “How could you think you weren’t good enough for me?”  
Oikawa won’t meet his eyes, and he crosses his arms over his knees.  
“You’re a much better person than I am. And you’ve always been so brave, Iwa-chan, and I’m… a mess. I’ve just never— never felt like I deserved you.”  
They sit silently for a few seconds.  
I’ve never felt like I deserved you?  
“I was scared.” Iwaizumi says.  
“Huh?”  
“I was scared.” He repeats. “For me, for you, of what people would think… and I got used to hiding. Even when we didn’t need to. I took you for granted, because I guess I did think that we were stuck together forever, and it was easy to be comfortable. You’re braver than I’ve ever been, and I keep letting you down. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve—”  
He breaks off when Oikawa moves both of his hands to his cheeks and dips his head in. He freezes a few inches away, and Iwaizumi stares cautiously into his eyes.  
The chains holding them to the swingset creak loudly.  
“You deserve everything.” Oikawa mumbles.  
Iwaizumi laughs weakly, remembering his own thoughts after their game. His gaze falls momentarily to Oikawa’s lips.  
“Can I, now?” Oikawa’s voice is barely a whisper.  
Iwaizumi wants to say yes, but—  
“I’ve… never kissed anyone.”  
Oikawa laughs, a barely there, breathy laugh and Iwaizumi melts despite his embarrassment.  
“Me neither, Iwa-chan.”  
Iwaizumi blinks, stunned. “You never— what about Ito?”  
Oikawa shakes his head. “Never got that far.”  
“You say it as if it’s a big thing.” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “You were dating.”  
Oikawa hums. “The problem was, there was someone else I wanted to kiss instead, but he wouldn’t let me.”  
“Oh.” Iwaizumi’s cheeks burn.  
“So, can I?”  
“You— you don’t want to break up?”  
Oikawa blinks. “Break— break up? Why would you think that? Do you?”  
“No!” Iwaizumi shakes his head. “I just thought.... nevermind.” He feels a little stupid now.  
“Iwa-chan… you ruined the mood. Can I please kiss you now?”  
Iwaizumi laughs and gives Oikawa a nod, holding perfectly still, and waits, but Oikawa is hesitating. So close, yet the small space between them feels like it could fill an ocean. Come on, dumbass. Their breaths mix in the air, small, nervous puffs. Maybe he should just… but he’s nervous.  
He’s scared things might not turn out the way he pictured. He’s wanted this for years, and the taller you build someone up in your head, the harder the fall when reality crashes down. What if something changes now? What if he messes it all up—? But then he and Oikawa are kissing, and it’s better than he had ever imagined.  
Who closed the gap? He isn’t sure, but he’s sure about this.  
After what feels like simultaneously seconds and hours, they break apart, breathless and flushed in the face.  
Iwaizumi doesn’t want to move away. He could do this forever. There’s absolutely no way it could ever get old. He could easily stay this way for eternity. He doesn’t think he’ll ever need to breathe again as long as Oikawa’s lips promise to stay on his. It doesn’t sound like such a bad way to die.  
He pulls at Oikawa’s shirt, but his soulmate resists.  
“Wait,” Oikawa grins. He leans away and reaches into his jacket pocket, from which he pulls out a familiar little blue toy, and holds it out to Iwaizumi. “I’m sorry about… that. It’s back in one piece.”  
Iwaizumi takes it delicately in his fingers and observes it. “Its arm is glued on backwards.” He notices with a laugh.  
“What?” Oikawa groans. “Ugh, I ruined it.” He puts his face in his hands. “That’s super glue, too.”  
Iwaizumi presses his lips closed in an attempt not to laugh again.  
“Mm… I like it better like this.” He says.  
Oikawa peeks up at him. “You do?”  
Iwaizumi nods. “It’s a little backwards, but it works.”  
Oikawa sits up straight again, looping his arm through the swing chains and pulling them together so that their shoulders brush against each other’s.  
“Like us.” He says.  
“Pfft,” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, but the smile hasn’t left his face. “You’re so cheesy, Shittykawa.”  
“That’s why you love me.” Oikawa leans forward.  
“Yeah,” Iwaizumi agrees, closing the rest of the distance between them. “I do.” 

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“I love you,  
in ways  
you’ve never been  
loved,  
for reasons you’ve never been  
told,  
for longer than you think you  
deserved,  
and with more  
than you will ever know existed inside me.”

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**Author's Note:**

> DONE!! <3 thanks anyone who read this, usually I don't like to finish things and instead just switch from one to another but I'm so proud of myself this feels like my baby LOL


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